Then I took the dog for a walk on this rainy morning, just out and back, while chatting with a friend in England. Even though I worked up a sweat, the breeze felt lovely, so it was a good combination. And I thought, "I don't need that."
I don't need to be a part of the mommy wars. I don't need to have a stance on every new issue. I don't need to say that my decisions are best or better or even justify them at all, except to God and my family. I can do what I think is a good idea, change it as needed, and just do what needs to be done. I don't have to subscribe to those blogs to keep "up" on these issues, I don't have to worry about what other people are doing, I don't have to let everyone else's cacophony of fears into my head: I can tune all of that out.
I have such anxiety about being a mother. I woke up the other night realizing that I have not yet picked out a homeschooling curriculum or the brand of cloth diapers we'll use, and panicked. (I had our pediatrician picked out before we were married) My control freak tendencies, which took a vacation while I went through my I'm going to jump on a plane and go to Australia by myself and then go to law school in a new state and then fall totally in love with this guy that's just left seminary phase, have returned full force. I play things by ear when it's just me, but now that it's the baby, I feel so out of control. A whole other person in my life, who according to some parents, can be born just wanting to scream and will never be soothed until they're 18 months old? How will I ever survive? How will I ever live up to my mom, who is super mom?
Mom, at my wedding, watching my picture be taken...she's run two marathons, countless other races, all after the age of 50. She teaches 9th graders English, teaches 4th graders CCD, and makes dinner every night. She's my hero.
And the truth is, I still don't know. I don't know who this little person is that God has sent us, I don't know if I'm going to be any good at this, but I have to let some of this go. I have to walk away from some of this craziness and just say "You'll help me, Lord - you promised." And maybe eventually, if I say that enough, I'll believe it.