I really identified with what Nell said in her blogpost "I felt left out voluntarily. I missed opportunities to really meet everyone." That's exactly what I felt like: I knew I wasn't having the same amazing experience as everyone else, but I knew it was my fault, not anyone else's. I kept looking at everyone else and wondering, "how do they know so many people?"
That I didn't have THE BEST TIME EVAH is hard to admit. Every time I heard one of the speakers talk about targeting our isolation as mothers, that the point of this event was to break down barriers, I knew the message was for me - but I just couldn't figure out how to actually do that. I knew these were my people, that I should be eating this up - but I couldn't. I was worried about Zuzu, I hated leaving her, and while everyone else looked so relaxed having left their no-doubt huge families, I was crazily checking my phone over my one 21mo that was a few blocks away.
Despite my own crazy neuroses, I had some great experiences. The talks were really fantastic, and I'm so glad I got to see Kelly do the most amazing rap ever. I got up the courage to talk to Crystal, who was very sweet, and I wanted to make Nell my BFF because she was so calm and her baby so lovely. Also, Hallie recognized me, so I'm pretty sure she studied everyone's blog ahead of time, and I got a blurry selfie with Jen (my only picture of the entire weekend - also a clue that I am freaking out). I had several other awkward moments: preeeetty sure I told Haley that people from north Florida were 'psycho,' which is normal Florida trash-talking silliness for me, but I realized was probably really insulting to her, so y'know, go me! Also, my only ability to talk to Jenny? Handing her a Sofie that had been lost and then blurting out that when I took my 2mo to Italy, the Italian women were all up in my boobs. Very classy. Oh - in case you were wondering, Heather has an intense New York accent! Meeting her and hearing her voice forever changes how I read her blog (in a totally good way).
Despite my own crazy neuroses, I had some great experiences. The talks were really fantastic, and I'm so glad I got to see Kelly do the most amazing rap ever. I got up the courage to talk to Crystal, who was very sweet, and I wanted to make Nell my BFF because she was so calm and her baby so lovely. Also, Hallie recognized me, so I'm pretty sure she studied everyone's blog ahead of time, and I got a blurry selfie with Jen (my only picture of the entire weekend - also a clue that I am freaking out). I had several other awkward moments: preeeetty sure I told Haley that people from north Florida were 'psycho,' which is normal Florida trash-talking silliness for me, but I realized was probably really insulting to her, so y'know, go me! Also, my only ability to talk to Jenny? Handing her a Sofie that had been lost and then blurting out that when I took my 2mo to Italy, the Italian women were all up in my boobs. Very classy. Oh - in case you were wondering, Heather has an intense New York accent! Meeting her and hearing her voice forever changes how I read her blog (in a totally good way).
My one claim to fame is that Marion asked me to sing karaoke with her. My other claim to fame? I SAID NO because I apparently have serious problems.
The other thing that allowed this crazy introvert actually break out? Twitter. I love Twitter, and through Twitter, I felt like I was part of the event still - I was tweeting under the #edel14 hashtag, and reading others tweets, and felt like I was getting to know certain people better. I made a ton of new connections this way, and it saved me from feeling 'out of touch' with the Conference, even though I was sitting right there. Through my paralyzing fear, I could still reach out - and so many reached back. It's why I'll never really give up on technology and live in a yurt (although the thought is never far from my mind).
The best part of this entire experience was probably that, as I sobbingly confessed all this to my husband in the middle of the Austin airport on Sunday, apologizing for making us spend so much money on a conference I didn't even make the most of, he looked at me very kindly and simply said "well you'll have to go every year until you have the experience that you need." Real love, ladies and gentlemen. I'm really glad I DIDN'T marry a normal person, who would've sputtered "I spent how much money to get you and me and the baby to Austin in the middle of the heat wave from HELL, and now you're telling me you didn't make the most of it????"
So yes, Edel revealed my crucial weakness: that just when I am so close to feeling the love of Christ, I am too afraid to come close enough to actually let Him touch me. I want so badly to have a life-giving community, but I am so nervous that it's just not right for me right now - that I can't have it because I'm still nursing Zuzu and she never really sleeps; because I work; because it's too big of a time commitment; because I don't actually have anything in common, with anyone, anywhere. I know these are lies, and now that I see what a big impact they have on me, I'm hoping to spend some real time combatting them. Next year, I hope I will have invested in some online - and real life! - friendships, and that I'll have a very different experience. At least, you have it in writing that I promise I'll try!
I'm so sorry you didn't have the experience you were hoping for. I had a very different experience than what I expected too. I was much more shy than I thought I would be and I held back on approaching lots of people I actually really wanted to talk to, but I attended with a friend, which made it easier for me, I'm sure. Hopefully I'll meet you next year :)
ReplyDeleteOk,I just commented so if this comes up twice I am sorry!!! (technically challenged) I appreciated your post so much. Know that you are not alone! I know for me, parties kind of wear me out, and I'm a sit on sofa with a warm cuppa kind of girl! I think next year, I would be feel more inclined to reach out and create the experience I need. We kept saying there needed to be an introvert room - a place where the socially awkward could gather:) Anyway, I spent a lot of energy trying to figure out how to "be" there- but I feel like you did, very much so. Wish we had met!!! maybe next year:) Brooke (allyoursblog.com)
ReplyDeleteIntrovert room!! YES! I offer to spearhead that for next year, if you're reading this Jen!! It will be dimly lit, have hot stuff to drink, and small clusters of chairs if you feel like talking, but mostly plenty of space to stare at walls. :)
DeleteI think the lack of structure/forced mixing was so great for those who were meeting up with friends or are extroverts...but for the minority of us who struggled, maybe we need a little more help??
Parties exhaust me. I'm there for an hour and I'm like...ok, time to go home, get into pjs, drink something hot!!
me, too!!! Im right there with you!
DeleteOh Martha, I hope your patron blessed you yesterday! I wasn't at Edel but can imagine feeling JUST.LIKE.THAT at that point in motherhood. Though my default temperament leans a little extravert, I have a crazy-strong shy-introvert-overwhelmed streak that comes out in certain social situations, and early in motherhood (e.g. the first 2 years-ish, probably 3) life was always hard. I nursed a long time, attachment-parented, and didn't leave my son often. I would have felt just like you - and being super-sensitive at times can often pick up on when other people have a connection I'm not privy to. First -what an amazing husband!!!!! Go you guys -you must have something truly special. Second - good for you for going, and writing this post, and getting to know yourself better. Whether this would remain to be your experience at a gathering like this (stable temperament?) or not (circumstances, place in motherhood, doing it a second time with a clearer vision for what YOU need), I bet the Holy Spirit will give you the experiences you need as your motherhood journey unfolds. Thank you for sharing your heart!
ReplyDeleteGah, this comment made me cry!
DeleteThank you so much for sharing that you have a similar experience of early motherhood. I feel so alone so often...I know there are other attachment parents, but it feels like I'm the only one who's just starting out and really struggles to leave my baby at all, ever. Especially since we struggle with sub-fertility, she just feels so precious and I don't want to miss anything.
Thank you so much for commenting :)
(ps - Susan at Sole Searching Momma wrote a great post that party described WHY my own first 3 years of motherhood were so darn hard. And Dwija at House Unseen recently described being a closet shy person, which I relate to. Seems like we all struggle in different ways and for similar or varied reasons in lots of social situations and through the ardous transition into momma-world!)
ReplyDeleteUm. Did I write this? No... no, that's impossible.
ReplyDeleteBut you described my experience at Edel to a T. Feeling left out, but like I was leaving myself out. After all, everyone was so nice and welcoming and friendly--I was just too scared to really let them in. And it felt a little bit to me like everyone else there was a "somebody" and I was just a "nobody"--everyone was meeting their "blog friends" "in real life," and although I read a lot of blogs... well, nobody there was hoping to finally meet me!
And I was worried about my 13-month-old who was home with Dad (plus I had to take breaks to pump a few times a day--boooo), and mingling with strangers is fun for me, but only for a short timeframe... so I kept running away to take breaks by myself. Somehow, although nothing really went wrong, it didn't feel quite right. I didn't take advantage of this amazing opportunity.
Maybe next year we can be blog friends, finally meeting in real life, to discuss in person. :)
Jessica, I agree! I feel like I could have written something very similar to this post as well. I really let myself down by not making the most out of Edel. I let my introversion take over and ended up missing out.
DeleteCasey honey where have you been?! Every now and then I check your blog. Glad to see you're still kicking!
DeleteHi Caroline! Yeah, it's been a while since I blogged. I started a new job a little while back, and I've just been too focused on getting settled in there, that I've let the writing slide. Bad blogger! ;) Guess I need to jump back in, huh?
DeleteTHANK YOU Casey and Jessica for saying that! Seriously, I felt so crazy while I was there and afterwards too - I just kept thinking, 'you are insane. everyone else is having margaritas and baring their souls and you are locked in a glass case of emotion!'
DeleteI am committed! Make blog friends! Don't let my crazy take me over!
It was not possible for me to go to Edel this year - maybe another year. But I can very much relate to what you are saying. Whenever I get close, I pull back. I don’t know if our reasons are the same but basically I am afraid that once I reach it I will lose it, like a beautiful crystal you are afraid to pick up for fear of dropping it and also because I am terrified I don’t deserve it, that it simply isn’t meant for me. I only last May figured out why I feel this way but changing it has been a daily battle, some days better than others. If you figure out how to make the change or have any tips, I’m all ears. God Bless you on your journey. :)
ReplyDeleteGetting close to people is so hard. I think as I have gotten older, I have held back from truly becoming close with people because it seems most friendships are transient. Making friends, as an adult, has proved far harder than I ever thought it would.
DeleteHonestly, I hadn't thought it was a problem until this gathering. I thought I'd stick with the few good friends I have, but now I'm realizing a longing for wider community.
I'll let you know how it goes - but you tell me too if you find anything good :)
Hi there! This is my first time at your blog. I followed your link from the Edel linkup at Conversion Diary. I just had to comment because I had such a similar problem. I wanted so much to have fun and meet new friends at Edel, but when I actually got there, my introversion kicked into high gear and I met hardly anyone and made no new friends. And I know it's my own darn fault for giving into fear instead of reaching out, especially when I knew that place was packed with awesome women!
ReplyDeleteIt's too bad I didn't get to meet you at Edel, so allow me to intoduce myself now. Hi, it's nice to meet you!
Wow, it's just so exciting to know that I wasn't the only person really struggling with this particular issue! Haha - hiiii Casey, nice to meet you!
DeleteWe really need to have an Introvert Room/Corner/Space next year - so anyone who is struggling can go there! At least now we know who we are and can work on it all year until next year (I am my greatest improvement project).
Isn't it funny how we KNEW the other women were awesome, but we just couldn't break through?? The mind is a very very powerful thing...
I would be all about an Introvert Room! What a great idea!
DeleteYep, the mind is a powerful, and I've also discovered a very stubborn, thing.
Yeah, I didn't go to Edel, but so relate to this problem!!! It seems that extroverts regret what they did (as in whoa that just flew out of my mouth how can I reel it in?). We introverts regret what we didn't do because of fear. Damnit life is too short. The few times I've really let loose I had no regrets.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am almost always in the camp of regretting what I say, because I get nervous and then things just FLY out of my mouth (like what I said to Haley).
DeleteBut this time I just...I just couldn't. I really think this whole experience settled my debate about which side dominates my personality in this season of life (introvert/extrovert) because I ever could have predicted behaving that way until I was there. Most people would say I'm very outgoing, but it takes a tremendous effort and I need a long time to wind down afterwards.
Maybe I'll see you at Edel next year, in the Introvert Room???
Haha yep, I really want to go next year. I'll be rocking out the introvert room! (But dancing and doing karaoke too. That stuff is easier for me than small talk. Go figure).
DeleteGirl! I will find you next time. And I will sit with you, make you laugh, calm your fears, and get your hiny on the karaoke stage. That's a promise, not a threat. And just remember, whether you were disappointed in your participation or not, it was STILL GOOD THAT YOU WERE THERE. Seriously. Who knows whose life you touched with a smile. Only Him.
ReplyDeleteBlaaaah crying staaaaahp it!
DeleteThank you, seriously :) I really didn't want this post to come off as Debby Downer or in any way critical of the event, because I did have a good time despite my own craziness. I just didn't make the connections that I would have wanted to, which I think was the point of the entire thing.
But I agree, I still think I was there for a reason! I think that it taught me a lot about myself, and really showed me that desire for deeper community.
I will let you find me next time! I'll be the one in the corner, on my Twitter app, and possibly laughing maniacally every time someone asks if I'm okay.
Martha! I had so many fears of those things happening to me...Especially when I saw the pictures of happy frolicking ladies. Reading your post made me feel better, bc I felt quite intimidated. Maybe next year we can meet up! And funny? I never knew you were an introvert!
ReplyDeleteI know, my introversion disguises itself well. It's not that I don't like meeting new people or trying new things, it's just very tiring for me. As I've gotten older I think the social anxiety has set in a bit...I had none of that when I was younger. :)
DeleteNext year please come! Maybe if Amelia comes too we can form a happy band of sisters! :)
Martha! You are so sweet and loving. And guess what? You weren't alone in feeling that way! Maybe next year there will be more opportunities to "mix." It was a tidal wave of Catholic women and sometimes a bit overwhelming. Sending you love & hugs and guess what? Now we're electronic friends!!
ReplyDeleteI knoooow. Your blog is so amazing, just like I KNEW KNEW KNEW it would be. It's so interesting to me how blogs really are just virtual representations of people...and I really could tell it was your 'space' as soon as I clicked on it. :)
DeleteAw! Those kinds of gatherings are always the hardest the first time around. Meeting all those bloggers in person will only make the next year of electronic-friendship so much more special, though!
ReplyDeletexox
giedre
That's true. It really was very surreal to see some of those women in person and realize...OH. They're really just women, like me! :)
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