Waking Up

Sometimes I look at my life, and my behavior, and my choices and I wonder: who have I become?

What shocks me most about myself post-marriage and babies is that I haven't changed in what I would perceive to be big ways: what I believe, how I behave, what's important. What has changed are aspects of myself I would have always classified as minor: my organization, drive for self-perfection, type-A tendencies. I didn't think that could go away - I thought it was a (huge) part of who I was.

Enjoying real seasons while in grad school

If I'm being honest, it was eroded slowly before I got to where I am now, even if it's taken me until now to really put my finger on what has been 'off.' First I didn't do as well as I thought I would in law school. I wasn't at the bottom of my class, by any means! But I hadn't ever not been in the top - not when I tried, anyway. But I wasn't, and I blew it, and it's not the kind of thing you can get back. I navigated that okay, but then I had the tornado which made me feel so out of control and it made me feel like law school never happened. So then I got married and I thought, well....what now. I tried to just throw myself into making a home and a baby, but it turned out both were harder than they looked on paper. I took the Bar (and failed).

Former house

Law school graduation

All this time, these successive failures and struggles with these huge issues that felt so out of control, I didn't realize they were changing me. But here I am now, seven years later, and I realize I am really not who I was. So much of my personality was taken, molded, changed, adapted, or maybe just buried by all of that stuff.

But I know those parts of me are still there, because I get furiously angry if I get out of bed later than 8am. A day where I get very little 'done' leaves me feeling defeated and resentful. And yet now my entire life feels out of control - feels unorganized - feels not me. It feels like I've taken a nap from life and I'm waking up thinking, how the hell did I get here? I'm angry. I'm angry a lot. I'm mad at the condition of my house, the lack of systems to run it efficiently, and my general flakiness. I'm mad and hurt that I am no longer known as a powerhouse of efficiency and planning.

I get the sense that many friends or family think I should be working, or that my frustration lies in my education going unused. It's not true - I love my work. I love to be at home and with my children. I just want to do it as me, instead of whoever I've been acting like.

I know I can't envy who I was - I know I can't hold myself to the same levels of efficiency now that kids are here - I know that I should "waste time" with my children - but I have to find some way to regain a sense of myself before I end up blaming everything that I love for taking it from me.

So I've started going to the gym. It's a weird microcosm of a habit: I'm trying to make myself do this one thing every day. If I do this one thing, then I will have the schedule the rest of my day in order to get it done. I am making myself go - even on days when Zuzu is whiny or David hasn't napped. Even though right now, it feels like this habit is causing MORE chaos in my home as I get used to having more being required of me. I am trying to relearn my favorite virtue of self-control and hope that it carries over into the rest of my life, because it seems the alternative is being out of control and I'm not sure how much longer I could live like that.

5 Favorites Tiiiime

I think this link-up is a secret ploy by Hallie to make me people more positive...although if someone came up with a "five things that pissed me off this week" link-up, I think it'd be VERY popular (albeit non-holiness-producing). 

Oh - this week it's hosted by Grace. Go see her and laugh laugh laugh.

-1-

I hate to admit it, but this puzzle mat is coming in handy these days: 

Babykins can practice going from sitting to crawling position and I don't worry if she goes in head first. Usually our tile floors (yeah, tile - in the ENTIRE HOUSE, welcome to SW Florida) prevent a whole lot of time on the floor, because no carpet can make up for the cold unforgiving 16-inch tile. Enter in this hideous mat which announces to all and sundry "OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN TAKEN OVER BY A BABY. WE NO LONGER CARE ABOUT TASTEFUL FURNISHINGS." 

But hey - it makes life easy. And it doubles as a yoga mat.

-2-

These two posts by Dwija and Jen, respectively. 

I don't know either of them IRL (although I did meet Jen at an apologetics conference down here...but she met a lot of people, sooo I don't think I'm super special), I'm amazed at how close the blogosphere can make you feel to people you've never met. I am unreasonably excited about Dwija's pregnancy...and more than a little jealous, to be sure. And I'm proud that Jen articulated that a huge part of being Catholic is just saying, well we'll see what the future brings - not making any drastic decisions. 

-3-

This Chai tea: 

I looove chai tea lattes, but cannot stomach spending $4 on a drink without alcohol in it. So then I started buying the pre-made chai tea mix, only to discover it has sugar in it like everything. So then I thought, could I make my own? 

Yes, yes I can. 

For a little over $2 a box, I have infinite amounts of lattes at my disposal, that I can make using agave instead of whatever crazy preservative/fake sugar they use in the other ones. Just brew the tea with a 3:1 ratio of water to milk/cream/dairy substitute and add sweetner. Lovely!  

-4-

No, not Mr. Rogers - my neighbors!! 

We REALLY lucked out in the neighbor department and this was made infinitely more clear to me today. The lot at the end of the street is being cleared because someone bought it and is building on it. 'Cleared' down here means, as one neighbor girl put it, 'deforestation!' But that also means...free mulch! 

So my neighbors, knowing that I was inside with a baby I was trying to get to sleep, brought over some of this lovely free pine mulch and spread it in my side yard, where I had mentioned I wanted it. 

This is after they took care of Mr. O and I during our encounter with the plague, and oh yeah, cleaned OUR WHOLE HOUSE when we left for the birth center to have Zuzu. 

Really really really really reeeeeeheeeheeeheeally good neighbors!! 

-5-

Though I am loathe to admit it, I might need a wee bit of help getting the last of this baby/law school/lazy weight off...enter in myfitnesspal.com. Wow, talk about an eye opener - never knew rice could pack that many calories! 

In order to be more mindful about my eating and activity levels, I downloaded the app on my phone and use it on my computer too. It's been a great way for me to bring more intentionality to my eating - instead of my usual, oh my gosh the baby is asleep and I can eat with two hands so watch as I gorge myself habit. Ew. 

Hope your week is going as well as mine, but with more sleep!

Kale Shakes!

That sentence could be read several ways, so lets go with this: shakes, as in the relative of smoothies, make with the leafy green vegetable kale!

Gosh, that sounds gross. But it wasn't! My awesome friend Kristin told me that she makes these and her kids like them, and since I'm always trying to pack more veggies into my life, I thought - hey! Great idea! So this morning for breakfast, we tried kale shakes (God bless my poor husband).

First, we started out with what all my shakes start out with: Almond milk! I prefer almond milk to regular milk because it's a bit less on the calories, way less on the fat, but it's not as much sugar as skim milk. As a person with PCOS, I try to limit my dairy intake and restrict it only to full-fat dairy (the fat makes my body process the sugar more slowly, thereby keeping my glucose levels more steady).

Some complain it has a grainy quality, but I haven't found that... 

I poured whatever was left, but it was probably about 1.5 cups. Then I went to my fruit base: blueberries and strawberries, frozen. I started with a half cup of each, dumped it in my awesome blender (courtesy of Tom's wonderful Aunt Ann and Uncle Jim) and added a ton of kale. 

Organic kale from the local co-op. I love me some greens!

If you can't tell, that's my blender packed to the brim with kale, plus the almond milk + fruit mix on the bottom.

Blended on "ice" for about two minutes, just to make sure to get all the kale-ey-ness out. That did not work; when I tasted it, it was like fruity kale-ly gazpacho. So I added another cup of blueberries. Still was not working. Then a tablespoon of peanut butter. Whoa, definitely not working!! But I had to save this dern shake: I was not going to throw out this hideous mixture, but neither could I ingest it. So I resorted to the ingredient that makes everything delicious: agave. 

Available at Wal-Mart at a very budget friendly price!  

Presto-chango, delicioso! Just a quick squeeze and swirl of this stuff, plus 15 seconds on low blend. It was ready to be consumed and would not cause me to mutter subversive anti-health things under my breath. However, since I still believe it's not a meal without meat!, I had to add a side dish to our smoothie: 

PETA: People for the Eating of Tasty Animals! 

I hear you gasp. "Bacon, Martha? Really? Doesn't that negate the entire health vibe you were going for?" No, no it does not, and if my choices are live to be 100 and not eat bacon or live till I'm 70 without it, I say: Jesus got it all done at 33, so a long life is not required for Heavenly entrance. I believe in bacon! Besides, it has zero transfat and serves as a good dose of fat (along with the peanut butter) to balance out the sugar in the smoothie, and make me feel fuller longer thanks to the protein. 

Good thing our teams are in different conferences, otherwise this marriage thing might not work

Hope you all enjoyed your breakfast as much as we enjoyed ours! Now go make kale shakes if you want to explore the world of vegetables in liquid forms!