Beyond Friendship Bracelets

Adult friendships are such a tricky thing. I knew they were tricky long before I got married, but post-wedding bells, they've gotten even more complicated.

I used to think that my best friends would always be on speed dial. I would drop everything for that 3am phone call from my BFFs, ready to chat about anything, ready to jet out on a plane to solve any crisis. But reality has set in: my phone at 3am will always be on silent, because I don't want the baby to wake up. Sometimes, I really can't chat - not for days or weeks, because the season I'm in is hectic, and all my emotional energy is being eaten up by trying to maintain my marriage and love my child and offer something to my Savior. My friend themselves are busy, with their own families, work, volunteer responsibilities. We all have our own seasons of crazy.

But that is the modern narrative for friendship: "being there" for someone, which means attending to them excessively in their hour of need no matter what. What happens when you suddenly have other real responsibilities in your life, that means you can't 'be there' for someone the way they need you to at that second, because you already promised before God that you'd 'be there' for someone else for your whole life?

For my part, I have ended only a few friendships, most for egregious actions not on the 'being there for someone' spectrum. I rarely begrudge people for growing apart from me, and I enjoy renewing acquaintances with long-lost friends. Although it's hard when I reach out and someone doesn't reach back, I try to understand that I am not their primary responsibility. Unlike what Sex and the City portrays, I don't have only my friends - and they don't only have me. We live in a wider world of responsibilities and relationships: we have extended family, husbands, children, and work, to name a few. I don't expect my friends to be everything to me.

It seems that lately, what really makes a friend, is actually being able to work through a genuine disagreement. It's easy to be a friend when together you and the other person are putting up a united front against something else, but much harder when you feel at odds with one another. It's at that point that you have to dig deep: be willing to be honest and humble and uncomfortable. It doesn't mean just covering over or ignoring our differences or default apologizing just to assuage the other person, but really getting to the heart of the pain or difference. I'm beginning to realize that most people just aren't willing to do this; they either don't want to examine the hurt or they don't want take the time to hash it out - they don't want to feel discomfort. It's easier to ignore it or write off the friendship entirely.

I'm finding what this means in practice is that I have fewer and fewer good friends as I get older. There's nothing wrong with that, but the shifting landscape of my adult friendships often leaves me feeling lonely and confused. It seems all the rules have changed and it's hard to learn the new ones since they vary from person to person. Sometimes, it means I just let all of it go and try to survive without nurturing friendships. It can feel like so much work - work that feels one-sided, with no standards to hold the other person to. If I feel like my husband were not pulling his weight, I would have a standard to appeal to - but friendship? I'm not sure what I'd say if I felt the same way about a friend.

How to make friends, keep them, and flourish within these friendships has only gotten harder once we move past the stage of friendship bracelets. You out there in internet land - how do you balance your friends with...everything else? And how do you navigate difficult times within the friendship itself?

7QT: Still Reflecting on Edel Edition

This is actually a post I tried to get up LAST week but failed miserably and then I finished it on Thursday night and Blogger ate it and I cried and now finally it's here. Futility, thy name is blogging.

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I have yet to really reflect on some of the bigger messages of Edel (Cathedral building, etc.), but the connectedness really stayed with me - the need for moms to break out of isolation and fear, to have camaraderie again with one another. This week, as we've been at my in-laws, I've really tried to let this concept settle in my head so that when I see another mom, I automatically see her for being MORE like me, rather than less. Turning that switch makes each  mom interaction into a potential affirming experience for both persons, instead of one where we approach one another with wariness or fear.

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Despite this, I still have some definitely feelings about parenting. At least, I have feelings about how I should parent my child (since I think that's the only child I'm qualified to parent). I think there's a fair question there: how do you respect and affirm other mothers, but still honestly acknowledge (maybe even discuss?) your parenting differences? I tend to gravitate towards other women who parent like I do, but there have been a few friends that break the mold. Do you see yourself doing that - choosing friends based on parenting styles? Is that good/bad/neutral?

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One of the best aspects of Edel, and one that has been really on my heart lately, is the space that it made for work outside the home moms. So often, in the Catholic world, that terms feels wrong - or maybe only reluctantly right. So devalued are women who stay at home and who mother, that we have gone 180 degrees and turned our backs on women who choose a different path. Yet we forget that some of our greatest female saints who were mothers, worked outside the home! St. Gianna Beretta Molla isn't going to be accused of being a slouch in the mom department anytime soon, and she was a doctor. St. Elizabeth Ann Seton became a nun and founded an order - while she still had children at home! We forget that God's calling is individual, and while we can discern that something would be wrong for us, it doesn't mean it's wrong for everyone.

I'm really praising God lately for that freedom to embrace what He's calling me to.

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The other thing that has really been on my heart has been children and what a deep blessing they are. Could Edel have affirmed that anymore? Those babies there were so lovely and it was so wonderful to be in a space that affirmed their existence as an unqualified good. Seeing that many women there, all of whom believe the same and are living their lives in that way, made me realize that we are starting a revolution - a revolution of love. By God's grace, our children will grow up knowing they are precious to us, and to Jesus Christ. In a world that is eroding the dignity of human beings more and more each day, this message can be nothing short of transformative!

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Another great aspect of Edel has been the posts that have come out after it addressing the crosses of infertility, sub fertility, etc. There was a good deal of Twitter conversation about the place of wives who are not mothers at Edel, and I think a valid question is, should Edel have sections of it geared towards women who are not mothers? But Danielle Bean provided another great take on this question in the first chapter of her book, Momnipotent, which was in our swag bags at Edel. Disclaimer: I did not want to read this book; I think the title is hokey, and the cover juvenile. I only read it because I ran out of reading material on vacation. And guess what? It's fabulous. 

The first chapter discusses how motherhood is the essence of womanhood, because motherhood is not necessarily tied to physical mothers. Incredibly powerful, and moving. Give it a read if you can! 

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A truly mind-bending part of Edel was meeting bloggers IRL whom I had only previously known by their blogs. This was odd for me because I don't have an interest in meeting my favorite bands, authors, or actors. I went to Edel to meet - you. But it did reveal to me that the internet, as much as it is a great good and helps connections, can also increase objectification. To see that each of the 'big names' were real women - women with postpartum bodies, babies, wounds, needs - that was very important for me. It's easy to disconnect the words on the screen from the very real people who write them. I am hopeful that Edel served as preventative medicine against that. 

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The big theme to all of this is adult female friendships. How do you make them - and keep them? I have a lot more to say on the topic, but it seems to me that most of these friendships are formed around a common activity (exercise, sewing, homeschooling). But do you require complete parity in friendships - same age, similar aged children, same faith, same interests? I don't think I could find even one person that has complete parity with me! (or is that narcissistic??) Some women even seem to have these large groups of friends, where everyone is friends with everyone else and hangs out regularly. How does this happen? 

Hoping crowd-sourcing has the answer here.

Post script on a personal note - we just returned from about a month's vacation and I'm sick plus work is looming over me. I'll be lucky if August doesn't eat me alive.

Tribe

Kelle Hampton writes a lot about having a tribe or a net - a group of women on who you can forever rely, call at a moment's notice, spill your deepest secrets. For a while after I got married, I rolled my eyes when I read her musings on this topic. This isn't high school anymore; I no longer feel the need to define my friendships by who will unconditionally support me - I've realized I need a good swift kick in the rear more often than I need claps on the back. 

Best rear-end-kicker:  Mr. Oram

Maybe my reaction was that way because, when I moved to Naples, I made friends but no one that I'd call crying. My real reinforcements - my tribe - is scattered to the four corners. "No bigs," I thought "I'm married now! That's what my husband is for!" 

My tribe is cooler than your tribe

Shae, Jen, Coll

wedding photo booth fun

with props

But then Jen came for an extended visit to help with the baby. I was so excited when she came...and that she stayed. 

And stayed. 

And stayed. 

I mean, let me put it this way: how was your first five months of motherhood? When did your husband have to go back to work? Did you have a good friend living with you, to help you with your baby whenever you needed? I did. It was unusual and awesome and humbling. I had never needed any friend so much before and never before had a friend so intimately been there to help. She helped me take my first postpartum shower, watched and offered support as Zuz & I figured out nursing, would take the baby in the morning so I could sleep, held her while I went to the bathroom, cooked, or just...sat. 

She even came to Italy.

Beyond being an incredible blessing to me, she is Susannah's godmother - and rarely has a day or at least a week gone by when Zuzu does not see her. Zuzu has had the joy of having her godmother be an intimate part of her life: her first babysitter, a constant guest at our table, another person to love her and form her daily. I know I cannot be all things to my daughter and having Jen here to teach, guide, and love Zuzu along with Tom and I means I can rest easy - I don't have to be everything - there are other good strong women to whom she can turn and find council, love, Truth. 

Auntie Jen is also teaching Zuzu how to navigate stairs. And how to walk. 

Here we are, one whole year later. I'm so proud of who we chose to be Zuzu's godmother (and godfather, but this post is not about you, Fr. Joe!). I am happy every day that Zuzu has such a wonderful example in her life of a woman who is in love with Christ and committed to His teachings. It is a blessing, and a relief, to know that if there comes a time when she does not want to listen to me, she has another voice to speak for Truth, another set of arms that will always welcome her, another woman to mother her. 

My journey in becoming a mom would not have been as joyful without her, and I know Zuzu would have missed out on so much love. I am grateful to have a friend who is so willing to pour herself out for my family, for my daughter, for me. This tribe, this small but loyal net, is helping me be a better woman - a difficult and thankless task. 

I don't tell you enough, Jenny Jen Jen, but I'm so grateful. I love you so much. Even if you leave tomorrow, I'll always be grateful for this incredible year. 

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

NAS: Can You Be Friends with a Guy?

I'm not single and I have no business butting into this conversation...but Jen invited me! Not Alone Series is a linkup to discuss issues facing single Catholics. There is a topic each week, hosted either by Morgan or Jen. I am putting in my two cents on several fronts!

Can Catholic men and women be friends? 

Obviously, yes. But at the same time, absolutely not. 

Let me explain. 

Friendship between Single People

When two people of the opposite sex are single and befriend one another, it can be very beautiful and fulfilling. As John and Stasi Eldredge say in their lovely book Captivating "The way femininity can awaken masculine strength - the way a good man's strength allows a woman to be beautiful- these can be offered in all sorts of holy ways between men and women who are not married to one another." This is so true! A good holy male friend can be so good for a woman, and vice versa. In my opinion, these friendships should consist largely in group atmospheres, with one-on-one time geared towards an activity rather than just 'hanging out' and minimal one-on-one electronic contact (texting, email, etc.). But if these relationships are so different, we have to wonder - what do we mean by friendship? 

Many of us think about being alone together, sharing secrets and unburdening our hearts. This type of friendship - the same type we have with our female friends - cannot exist between the opposite sexes. Female friendships remain static because there is no where else for them to go - the height of female love is friendship. But this isn't so with opposite sex friendships; there is a far deeper place yet beckoning. CS Lewis wisely remarks:"When two people who thus discover that they are on the same secret road are of different sexes, the friendship which arises between them will very easy pass - may pass within the first half hour - into erotic love. Indeed unless they are physically repulsive to each other or unless one or both already loves elsewhere, it is almost certain to do sooner or later." (The Four Loves)

When there are not very careful limits on male/female friendships, we end up using each other to satisfy the desires of our hearts. As St. Francis de Sales writes, "some [fond friendships] have the sole purpose of satisfying their hearts with loving and being loved, and in this way give into their amorous inclinations." Even if you say you are just friends, it is easy to enjoy the attention, the phone calls, texts, emails - easy to enjoy it because it flatters, eases an ache, feeds a desire to be wanted. This is not holy and not helpful to either party. Someone usually ends up being hurt and wounded, leaving them with greater pain to take forward into their vocation. 

Friendship between a Single and a Taken Person

The observations above are why friendships between a single person and a 'taken' person tend to get odd rather quickly. You realize that you cannot offer so much to this opposite sex friend anymore, it feels awkward and inappropriate, because it feels adulterous. This is a good check to see how much you were offering to that other person in the first place, and it is easy to discover you were offering far far too much.

However, 'taken' in the above category doesn't have to mean dating or being married - it can mean the fulfillment of a religious or priestly vocation. I will say that when a male friend becomes a priest, the opportunities to deepen that relationship are numerous and can be a great blessing. Your friend is married to the Church...and that is, in a way, you. 

In friendships between a single woman and a seminarian, I have a unique perspective. My husband used to be a seminarian, and was one when we met and became friends. So in this regard, I think another St. Francis de Sales quote is appropriate "Holy friendship has eyes that are clear and modest, caresses pure and sincere, sighs that are meant solely for Heaven, familiarities that are wholly spiritual, complaints only that God is not loved - all infallible marks of purity." My friendship with Mr. Oram when he was in seminary was...incredible. It blew the doors off what I thought friendship with guys could be. I became friends with him through classes, where we discovered we were one another's intellectual equal. That led to long lunchtime conversations with a group of seminarians, including Mr. Oram and Zuzu's godfather, now Father Joseph. That blossomed into long walks with in-depth discussions of texts we were reading, thoughts about the Church, the realities of sin and grace. We very rarely spoke of one another, our personal lives or ourselves - it wasn't the point. We were, together, eagerly bent on racing up the path to sainthood - and in our competitive spirit, we were laughingly racing each other! 

Many of my friends (Jen included!!) say they saw that we were in love. But in all honesty, we were not. I believe that time was the most important time in all our relationship, because we built a solid friendship not on self-interest, but only on mutual love for God. We were able to do so only because I truly saw him as married (the fact that he wore clerics was very helpful) and he saw himself that way as well. We did not see one another as 'fair game' - there was no potential for romance. 

And yet, when God did awaken in my husband feelings of romance, the extrication from seminary and entrance into lay life was very difficult - for him and me. It was at times confusing and hurtful for both of us, and we were often filled with feelings of doubt. I am sure we could have handled it better; we did the best we could. Love burst upon us unexpected and wholly-formed; I was suddenly overwhelmed by the intensity of my love for him. I wonder, in retrospect, if I should have protected my heart more until he had either been free to care for me or become my spiritual Father. I certainly have never had that kind of a friendship with a man before - or since. 

Friendships between Two People who are Taken

Now that I am married, I have male friends - but none of them are single. I am friends with our old gang from Mr. O's seminary days, most of them now beloved priests, and with my married friend's husbands. I am also friends with my husband's single male friends, around whom I mostly act like an Italian grandmother; I seem to always be clucking at them about finding the right girl, or else telling them they're too thin and feeding them my cooking. 

I have had good deep conversations with men since being married, but never without my husband present. There are many reasons for this, most of them situational - when would I have the opportunity to be alone for a long period of time with a man that wasn't my husband? If he is my friend, then he is surely my husband's friend too, and we all get together to catch up and talk. There is no reason why we can't all be together, so we always are. If Mr. Oram can't attend an event, I usually don't go (but that's just my nature) and if I do go, my longer chats are with women (mostly because I find women more interesting). I keep it light with guys - football trash talking, inquiries about families, talk of our spouses. 

The fact is, as a married woman, I have a very good male best friend - my husband. He is the one to whom I rush with news, because he knows what it means more than anyone else. The idea that I would share parts of myself with other men first, or with them and not with my husband, is inconceivable. Who else knows me as he does? After you have shared a bed, been through illness, fought and made up, endured pregnancy, experienced childbirth, the joy and peace of newborn days...who else can know you like your husband? I have lost any lingering interest or desire in other men; there is no man that I look at with anything but polite disinterest in terms of emotional intimacy. 

I am so grateful that my husband and I have together experienced joys that we never experienced with anyone else. Although we were never especially judicious in guarding our hearts, it happened naturally because we are both snobby by nature and have always felt isolated from others in general. Because of this, we are not replacements of another, are never compared to another, we have no shoes to fill - and I mean this in an emotional capacity. We were never so intimate with another opposite sex friend, and that has served us well. We do not trade on stereotypes of the opposite sex; we allow one another to be who we fully are, without the baggage of gendered expectations. There is no other person, lurking in the wings, with whom we miss an easy camaraderie, or to whom we compare our relationship when we are in a rough patch. We are free from pain and fear, knee-jerk responses and voices in our heads. 

Men are wonderful creatures, and they offer much to women. I can see how I have been enriched throughout my life by their friendships and aid. But they were always far different than what we usually mean by friendship - that deep abiding love that comes from knowing another person very intimately. Such knowing between the opposite sexes can only lead to love, or heartache. 

I encourage unmarried persons to look very harshly at their opposite sex friendships and do not be gentle with yourself. Make sure you are not using your friends for your own desires, that you are not being careless with the intimacy that deserves to be veiled from all but your husband (or Christ himself! if that is your vocation). 

Thanks for letting me butt-in. :) 

7 Quick Takes: Vol. Unknowable

Another Friday, another 7 quick takes with Jen and ze gang!

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Had the lovely occasion today to lunch with the inimitable Calah (pronounced Kayla). It was really great to chat with her and enjoy her energetic little ones. Plus drop some moolah in the bookstore...I can never pass up a good book despite the bajillion that are pushing us out of our own living space. 

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Started reading Meg Meeker's The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity. Despite really hating the title, I wanted to see what she had to say - and I'm glad I did. Although not all of the chapters are must-reads, several of them are very VERY good - really moving, actually. Although I firmly believe motherhood is not something that can be learned from a book, I think this book provides some great wisdom. 

Maybe someday I'll get Mr. O to review Dr. Meeker's other book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know  - but that would mean he would have to read it (I got it for him as a gift many moons ago...it's still gathering dust on his dresser).

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Also in my book-buying binge was Dr. Popcak's Beyond the Birds and the Bees - about talking to your kids about sex and raising them to have healthy attitudes towards their bodies and sexuality. I realize that this is jumping the gun a little bit, but what is beginning to hit me is that parents convey attitudes about these things to their children long before they have 'the talk.' How do you tell your child to put on clothes or to stop touching themselves? What do you call their 'bathing suit' areas - how do you talk to them about looking at their siblings' nakedness - or yours, or your spouse's? I think the way parents react to all these normal-family-life situations put a message out there, and I want to make sure I'm putting out a good and healthy one.
I'll let you know if this book is a keeper.

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Summer is back around here and so my husband just reminded me of the best thing ever about summer:
FREEZY POPS.

So few calories, I just count each one as zero and call it a day. 

(everyone knows green is the best...sometimes blue. never orange or yellow or pink)

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I wonder when the 'glow' will wear off - when I'll stop feeling this rush of joy and love when I look at my baby and my husband. Granted, it's not always that way when I look at Mr. O...(haha, love you bear!) - but most of the time it is. I have a husband and a baby. Shallow as this might sound, it is really what I've wanted my whole life. Well...that and more babies. *grin* 

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Nope, not pregnant. 

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I make chocolate coconut cranberry cookies last night and wanted to take some to Calah's today, but we ate THEM ALL last night. ALL OF THEM. 

So now I have no dessert tonight and I feel a bit bummed. Not going to lie.

(I  may or may not be sending my husband on a dessert-related errand as we speak)

7QT: darnit

I wrote almost my whole thing...and then did something and lost it. 

Very VERY annoyed. 

Still joining Jen and the gang because I can't resist a good link up. 

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PARTAY! 

I had a party at my house on Friday - and it went great! I loved having so many of my favorite people in one place, and introducing them all to each other. On the plus side, nobody starved (my greatest fear about parties) - although I did feed a friend's children beer margaritas because I did not label the pitcher and apparently they look a lot like iced tea. (sorry about that Marcie) 

Colleen with the babes

Mary chatting with Jen (whose son Dom was being a bit clingy)

Best pasta salad ever

Gluten free cookies, lovingly made by Colleen

Keepin' it simple - burgers and dogs

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FRIENDS!

My other bff from college, Colleen, was here this weekend with her baby Miriam, who's only 20 days younger than Zuzu.  It's been so great to have her here and to watch our girls play (and fight) together! I see many more of these trips in the future. 

Mamas and beach babes

The two sweet babies...we can tell from this picture who is the high maintenance one (hint: it's mine) 

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NEW SHOES! 

I got new running shoes. Asics Nimbus 15: 

I wanted to get those ones that look like I did a color run: 

But those are technically triathalon shoes and with my knee pain, I wanted to go with the shoe that felt the best, which was the Nimbus. 

Very grateful to my mother and father for buying me these shoes. Thank you!! (I know you both read this) 

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SWIMMING LESSONS

Ok not really; I haven't given  Zuzu any lessons yet (I think we'll start this summer at our YMCA). But I did take her to the beach with the gals yesterday and actually take her in the water! Not just dippin' the toesies in! 

She didnt' cry so long as I was holding her! She's getting so big!! 

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BIG BABY

Speaking of getting big, I'm beginning to realize what a big girl Susannah really is becoming. She is trying very hard to pull herself up on things, and can just hang out and play by herself for quite a while. We got a baby sign language kit (well, I have to go pick it up) that I'm going to start with her because I know her brain can process far more than her tongue can yet express. I've been working with her on "more," "thank you," "milk," and "book" right now - the only ones I know off hand! 

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REARRANGE FURNITURE 

(hm a phrase that doesn't even look exciting in all caps)

We moved our ginormous coffee table out of the living room for the party, so that we could use the space for kiddos who didn't enjoy playing in the heat (and it IS hot). Now I sort of like it this way, with no coffee table, a la Kristin's living room - but I don't think I want it to stay looking the mini- FAO Schwartz it looks like now. I need some sign that adults live here...we're not even outnumbered (yet)!

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HOME PROJECTS

The day before the party I said to my husband, "I'm going to paint the front door! And the shutters!! and you're going to buy and install new door handlesets!" 

Yeah, that happened. I am still grateful to Mr. O for all his hardwork - the doors and shutters look fantastic (don't listen to anyone who says you can't paint vinyl, that's what my shutters are) and we both agree it really freshens up the house. Although now we need to pressure wash our (white) siding in a big big way cause it looks super dingy next to our bright turquoise accents...

No joke, this is the color of our front door. Hey we live .8 miles from the water, we can pull it off!! right...

Hope y'alls week was as eventful as mine!

Affirmations

This past weekend my mom came to visit, which is always a joy to my heart. Seeing her car pull in the drive, letting the dog run out to meet her, putting Zuzu in some cute little outfit Mom bought her...it's such a blessing. My mom is called Grand by the kiddos in our family...and even I am beginning to refer to her that way more and more often.

Zuzu and her Grand at Christmastime

On Sunday, we were able to have one of our Deacons and his wife, Mary, over for lunch, so that they could meet my mom (Dad unfortunately couldn't come this trip). I adore them both, for they are true kindred spirits. I love her especially because she is so affirming. She is the kind of friend I want to strive to be to others - whenever we talk, she leaves me feeling stronger and better than before. She does this especially by affirming me in my vocation - she constantly tells me, "you are tending to what is eternal" while affectionately stroking my little bald baby's head.

This past Sunday, I lamented that Tom often worked long hours and doesn't have an 'official' day off - especially since he plays funerals, and they can be scheduled any day of the week. The Deacon (a jolly man by nature) looked at me sternly and said "that should change. Never forget he is only capable of doing what he is doing because you are here, being the heart and home. You make what he does worth it."

Kristin and I at Christmastime...I apparently have a Christmas theme.

These two strands of thought of oft-repeated in their interactions with Mr. Oram and I, young parents and newlyweds as we still are. I know these words well up from their hearts, because it is woven into their consciousness; it is their life's work, having raised (still raising...) eight children themselves. But these affirmations, these words of encouragement, are so vital, so important. The Book speaks often of the need to encourage one another, to speak words only of truth and goodness to your brothers - and heck, it's even one of the five love languages! But I forget. I forget too often.

I forget that we were given the ability to speak so that we could tell the Good News. I was given my tongue not to complain, to vent, to list my many needs that I feel aren't being met or my dissatisfaction with how I am not getting what I deserve. I have been given this ability to communicate that I might bring to others comfort, truth, kindness, affirmation. It's a good reminder here at the beginning of Holy Week to set this before my eyes: Christ didn't die so that I could use my gifts as I wish. He died to show me that only by pouring myself out in service and love will I ever live in a manner befitting a child of God.

May I ever remember this, even especially if another saleslady at Dillards tells me "that's a cute dress, but not for you."

Amen.

Misanthrope

The truth is, I am not a people person.


 It was not until I read "A Florence King Reader" that I felt I could truly identify with someone on this issue (which is saying something, considering Florence is the beloved lesbian monarchist and Anglican who maintained weekly column in the National Review for years) Florence is witty, biting, and not just a little bit tired of humanity. I am not sure that this is entirely virtuous, but I feel like I know everything she is saying. The large majority of human talk and squabble I feel I could quite comfortably ignore for the rest of my life. Walk away and live in a log cabin with dogs, occasionally waving at the postman, hammering away on some ancient typewriter and having an evening pipe and whiskey. I could clomp around in waders and wear plaid, say things like "confounded machine!" while whacking my cast iron stove with my walking stick.

One of my favorite magazines and also the way I want to dress. 

But maybe the deeper truth is, 'tis life that's made me this way. In looking for a picture of myself to typify my attitude towards humanity, I couldn't find any of me alone. All were of me in groups, looking relatively happy. I love my friends, so perhaps what's really  happened is - now they all feel so far away, and the nature of friendship has changed. How does one maintain friendships after marriage? When suddenly living 10 minutes apart and having busy schedules feel like insurmountable obstacles - what then? Suddenly, all that fills my personal landscape are short phone calls, short and polite conversations with neighbors, or else dinners wherein we pat each other on the back for believing the same thing. 

What does true community look like, after one is married? This I have not been able to discern, and in my poverty of spirit, have instead started to become a misanthrope, disillusioned and generally isolated. I suppose I will have to learn, but in the limbo between "just" being a wife and being a mother to a baby, it has seemed a bit...difficult. Have I made it so? I do not have children to make mommy-friends with, and my single friends have more freedom than I. To be honest, my heart yearns for them - all the dear girls that made me the best version of myself. 

St. Patty's Day 2009: me, Colly, and Jen (Tom is taking the picture)

Ally, me, and Jen in France, 2007

Law school break - Erin treated me to an Auburn game!

Oldie but goodie - April, me, and Shae for homecoming spirit day in high school. Go Bears!