I'm Ignoring All of You

It's official.

I am no longer interested in any type of disagreement on the internet.

At first it was gradual, but then it became a monsoon and now it's official: I am ignoring all of you who are posting about any kind of 'war.' Catholic wars, mommy wars, culture wars, wars on women or drugs or the homeless. Consider this my virtual truce, my declaration of cyber pacifism, my white flag: I am laying down my weapons and checking out.

I have struggled about all that Pope Francis has written along with the rest of you, generally faithful/orthodox/just-want-doctrine-to-be-doctrine Catholics. I resonated a lot with Dr. Popcak's piece and his struggles with our Holy Father's interview. I found Calah's post to be very moving.. But for now, I've decided to just stop listening to the MSM (main stream media) or the CM (Catholic media) or anyone else and just...do what the Holy Spirit and the Pope are asking: get off my ass and live my faith.

And while I am sometimes genuinely interested in how other people parent, mostly I do not care - and the more I read about it, the more I might START caring and that I do not want to do. I get up and try to love my baby, but so far, we haven't hit any issues where I've said "I need help, I don't know what to do." It's not like that's a shocker - she isn't even a year old. She can't talk. We're still working on mobility here, people. I don't need to read everybody else's nasty words about why they potty train at six months/eat only a vegan diet/breastfeed till age ten/spank/ don't spank/ kill people who spank, etc.

I realized lately that I really need to stop seeing people who disagree with me as the enemy. I finally got it into my head that even if someone is a liberal, commie, gay-marriage-loving vegetarian who hates guns, that Christ died for THEM. Them as they are, not perfected and believing all the right things, but His mercy is extended to them as they are. Meditating upon the parable of the prodigal son has been very helpful to me because the father ran to the son before he even apologized or spoke a Word; I have to think that God might be happy that people are coming to Him, even if they are coming to him wounded and messed up. It's kind of sad it took me so long because, really, God came to me as I was - an immodest pro-choice tattooed girl with a potty mouth and more baggage than a Kardashian.

I don't want to stop believing or passing on the Truth. I won't change my mind that abortion is wrong, that gay marriage is bad for society, or that bikinis are immodest. But I want to start focusing on people more than issues, faces more than policy points. I'm tired of having to decide who I can really invest in based on whether or not they agree with what the Church teaches at this exact moment. I need to stop giving myself reasons why I don't have to be kind, or patient, or reach out to that person. Because if my mentors had been the way I am, I never would have become Catholic - it never would have even interested me - it would have passed me by as yet another clique-y group on campus, instead of entrancing me for the saving message that it is.

All that to say - I'm still reading your blogs, honest. But I'm going to stop giving you mental space when you start gearing up for battle because...I'm in the field hospital, along with everybody else.

The Wonder

By the time I reached the end of yesterday, I was feeling pretty rough. Without my sling, Mass was a bit more challenging (it's harder to soothe a baby in a bjorn as opposed to in a sling), and Zuzu was feeling a little starved for attention and didn't want to lay down for a nap...and the bjorn is not good for household chores, because it doesn't allow for the range of motion that the sling does. So...I hung out with my baby. 

All day. 

While my house looked like vandals attacked it. 

If there's one thing I try to do as a wife, it's to make sure that when Mr. O has a long day at work, he comes home to a moderately clean home. Straightened couch cushions, clean kitchen counters, shoes arranged neatly by the door. Nothing fancy, just looks neat - and maybe a few candles lit to make it smell nice. But yesterday, after a very long day of playing four Masses and having a rehearsal, he came home to the house looking like...well, looking like a house looks when you just get back vacation, don't really unpack but rather explode your luggage all over, and then spend most of the day caring for an infant. That is to say, a very messy house. 

I know it was hard on him - it was hard on me too. I like to feel like I'm 'pulling my own weight' and I feel that part of my job is to keep the house in reasonable order. Baby, food, home, social engagements, most correspondence - those are my jobs. I like my jobs. And last night when I finally crawled into bed at 1am, I felt sad that I hadn't done more. My husband had gone to bed long before I did, because he was so tired, and I felt sad...I morosely thought - gone are the days of a clean house and plenty of snuggle time with my husband! Did we even really talk to each other today?? What is happening to my marriage? 

But I saw this great quote today that put yesterday in perspective and helped me enjoy today more. 

Do not spoil the wonder with haste!

Said by Legolas in TLOTR, penned by the great JRR Tolkien, truer words could not have been handed to me today. The wonder...yes, the wonder of baby-land, the newborn stage, her babyhood. I cannot spoil it with my haste - haste to do chores which will get done, haste to give my husband this perfectly-kept home and all of my attention, haste to have my 'normal' schedule back. This is my new normal, this is the wonder I'm called to witness: 

So today I took it easy and just enjoyed her. I ran some errands, but was calm when I cut them short. I got some things done, was proud of that, and just moved the rest to tomorrow's list. I rethought my definition of 'productive.' I prayed and comforted myself that so long as I keep offering myself in loving service to my husband, God will prosper my marriage. 

And lo and behold, when my husband came home today (much earlier than I thought he would, which is why I looked a mess and the floors were still wet from mopping!), he was overflowing with praise. Praise for the effort I was putting into cleaning the house (Zuzu had a good long nap today!) and for our sweet baby. As he watched her sleeping, he whispered in reverent awe "you made her - you grew her in your body. You're incredible." 

He sees it. That this time is for wonder - and we cannot ruin it with haste. There is so much time for her to be big, and such a short time for her to be small. So much time to run errands and have a clean house, and only a little while for her to need me so desperately. I will not spoil this time! I will not hasten away her sweet babyhood. I will stay here in the wonder with my sweet little one. 

How to Raise Children

Baby-day is drawing closer: I'm already 36 wks, so as of this coming Saturday, I'll be considered full-time and have the green-light to go into labor at any time. Squeeee!! Mr. O and I are getting SUPER excited to meet our daughter...

Since I have between 4-6 weeks left until she comes, I've been stepping up my reading of the parenting books and blogs. I gave a cursory reading to French Children Eat Everything, am doing a slower re-read of Dr. Greg Popcak's Parenting with Grace and also of Catholic Homeschooling by Mary Kay Clark. All three books have some great ideas and at the very least, raise many concepts to be discussed and considered by parents regarding the formation of your children. You can tell my greatest preoccupations for my off-spring: making sure they are well-formed in how to eat, how to pray, and how to learn. I have my priorities!

I wouldn't mind if they learned a few of these things from a local, run-by-nuns, affordable, orthodox Catholic school...but that's not in the cards in our area! 

I find myself fascinated with the preoccupation of myself and obviously, millions of others, with the "proper" way to raise children. I haven't lived in any time but this one (until I get that darned time-machine working!), so I find myself wondering if there was this sort of thought process years ago. Was there ever one standard formula for parenting, or were there many that were just unconsciously passed down within cultures or families?

Mr. O and I's marriage is, blessedly, harmonious. We are very similar in our tastes and habits, and where we are different, we have found it fairly easy to accommodate one another. One of the aspects of my marriage that we both work very hard at is courtesy - we strive to always be overly civil to one another, saying not only please and thank you, but seeking to meet one another's needs before we are asked. Small touches, like noticing when one or the other needs water or offering to do a chore when we know the other is tired, make our marriage sweet indeed. These are attributes that we choose to consciously embrace; we talked about these behaviors during our courtship and have lived them out in our marriage, by God's grace!

But now we are wondering if it will be the same when our children come. We cannot predict how we will actually behave under real-life conditions and as a friend of mine is fond of saying, "I was the perfect parent before I had children!" Of course, our ability to set a course of behavior for marriage was easier because we know one another - we could ask of one another a standard of behavior. But children have no such ability to consent and conform, especially when they are just wee babes. Children come into the world with their own personalities. I am looking forward to the testing of my theories, but hopeful that the changes children bring to my marriage will not be negative.

For those of you with wee ones, how did your parenting theories hold up and did your marriage change for good? To what degree do you re-evaluate your methods with each new child? I know so many wonderful mothers here in the blogosphere, so do share your wisdom - so I have something to ponder on my upcoming sleepless nights!

My Head is Exploding

Whelp, it's Friday morning. Today my in-laws are leaving, after 9 nights and 10 days of staying in our house. Later today, I am driving east (3 hours). That's because I am staying with friends overnight, because I have a huge exam tomorrow (MPRE - ethical portion of the Bar), on that side of the coast. Also! We were invited to a swanky-swanky gala thing tomorrow night, so tomorrow after the MPRE, I will drive 3 hours home, and get ready to go to a black-tie ball.

Did I mention that normally, getting out of bed and making breakfast makes me exhausted??

So, in about lets say 30 hours, I have to do the following things: study for my test (haha right not done doing that yet!), drive 3 hours there, find a floor-length dress that makes me feel attractive and doesn't cost a bajillion dollars (which will be quite a feat when all I feel is bloated and acne-prone), get a hair cut (no really this has to happen), at least get the chipped polish off my nails if not re-painting them let alone get a manicure, make sure the dress I find is either the right length (hahaha) or get it hemmed (I'm 5 feet tall!), get my picture taken at CVS (MPRE requires a passport sized picture), take the damn test, drive back 3 hours, hopefully take a nap, get ready for the gala, and then show up, looking not angry at these people for making me spend time and money just to show up looking half as horrible as I usually do. All of this, and all I'm hoping for is to pass the test and that no one will post pictures of the gala online so I never have to think about how I actually looked (in my head, I can pretend I was strutting it like Angelina Jolie, pre-leg psychotics).

In case you missed it...she did this all.night.long.

And yet despite all this, gentle readers, I have not only taken the time to write to you, but I am also going to direct you this lovely gem of an article I found on the internet. And because you all know that I am so hesitant to say what I think, I might as well come out and say: I disagree.

I grew up with a mom who never fed me fast food and didn't let me watch television. I grew up rarely getting less than an A and not disobeying my parents. Part of it, I'm sure, was my temperament, but part it was also knowing that my mother expected nothing less. For the record, my husband was exactly the same way (maybe that's why we like each other so much)...and so was his sister. I then went on to nanny for a woman who did the same thing with her kids. I have friends who parent this way as well. I wouldn't say I judge people who do differently as in thinking "you're a bad parent" but if I hear people say "I want to do that, but it's just not possible" my first thought is, "oh, you don't want to parent that way, okay."

Now wait! I'm this way with myself too. I completely believe I was lazy in law school and that's why I wasn't in the top 10. No amount of justification on anyone else's part can convince my otherwise. If you really want something, you do it. If I really wanted it, I would have gotten it. I believe I am not in the shape I want to be in because of my laziness and that this same laziness is the source of my less-than-stellar prayer life. I do not blame anything or anyone else; I blame myself.

I feel this should be the same thing with parenting. If you are not parenting the way you want to, then it's your own fault. Granted, some things we need to let go of (no one will be as clean as they think they will be when they're parents - no one), but in general, if not watching TV or no fast food, is really important to you, you would make it happen! This is the way people operate. All of these women lamenting that they can't parent the way they want are the ones that also make time for girls' trips to the beach, to have successful careers, to fit in their pre-pregnancy jeans - goals that are big achievements! These aren't lazy people. They are women who make decisions about what they will always do and what they will let go. They have decided that parenting, because it involves not only disciplining yourself, but also others, is too hard and so they will let go of some of their ideals. They don't want it bad enough.

I think this is acceptable - it's a part of life to realize what we can compromise on and what we can't. But lets not waste time saying that it's just part of parenting that we park our kids in front of TVs or feed them fast food. It's not. It's part of what these people have decided their parenting will be.

Now! Having enraged everyone just enough to ensure rabid anger, I am back to my exploding head! Adios!

The Opportunity for Virtue

Now, everyone has great theories about kids until they get married, and as someone who does not have children, I am probably not allowed to have opinions. I understand this. Yet my reflections on my own youth, my work as a nanny, and my work with youth groups makes me think I have some good insight, mostly because I've watched amazing family units and how the parents act, and some pretty horrible ones. Jumping off from there, I had a  conversation today with a parent (whom I love) that went like this:

Me: I see your teen son has a girlfriend now. How do you feel about that?
Parent: She's a great girl. It's nerve-wracking because they're getting serious, but a while ago I talked to him. He said they're not having sex.
Me: Well heck that's a start! Good.
Parent: Yea, well, she's over a lot and they spend a lot of time in his room, so...
Me: Door closed?
Parent: It has to be cracked, but our other kids are always around, so I hope that's a deterrant. I mean, she hangs out at our house till 1am sometimes. I'd rather they be at our house than at a party, but I don't know what happens after I go to bed. I mean, if they want to do it, I can't stop them.

WARNING: from here on out I talk about sex a good bit. I'm not shy and I hope you aren't either.

Lets pause for a teachable moment. As the product of a liberal secular household, I heard this all the time. My parents philosophy was that since they couldn't stop us from having sex, they would give us the tools to have it "safely": condoms, the pill, and a bed that wasn't infested with bed bugs. Yet this parent isn't secular - their family is Catholic! So should the secular parent and the Catholic parent be overlapping on sex education? Definitely not.

The reason is of course because sex is not just a biological itch being scratched. Sex is the way that married persons consummate the Sacrament of marriage; it is a sign of the goodness of God, and a very real vehicle for understanding God. As John Paul II masterfully explained, there is a theology of the body: our very bodies and the way they are made and interact reveals to us something about God. Sex isn't coincidence and it's not just about reproduction or pleasure; it's about ourselves as beings created in the image of our Creator! This also means that "sex" doesn't just refer to intercourse; being sexual isn't just about putting Part A into Part B. Since one loves with the whole person, making love also includes the entire person, not just a person's nether regions.

Within the context, we still know that being abstinent before marriage is difficult. It's always been difficult, but maybe it's a bit more difficult now, when a lot of the stigma is gone and it feels like "everyone is doing it." Also, it's just harder as a teenager, because one is new to romantic feelings, sexual feelings, and the opposite sex. Because having sex is something adults do and children do not, there is an innate attraction to having sex as a way to become "free" or to "grow up" and this is especially attractive to teenagers, who are eager for their misunderstood independence. Yet, as parents or adult persons in positions of authority, we know that sex is actually a very intense experience of giving ones whole self to another person. This experience is so intense that God designed it to be contained within marriage, because only a permanent indestructible earthly union could withstand the emotions and depth of true sexual union. That means that any unmarried teen is by definition not ready for sex; their choice to engage is sex is usually attended by half-truths and confusion. They must be guided, gently but firmly, away from a path that could hurt them.

Yet a lot of teens think that if they're not actually "doing it," they're okay. But oral sex and other versions of "fooling around" also involve the human person in activity that is essentially degrading outside the context of marriage. Besides breaking down a person's resistance to premarital sex, it also teaches them that their body is just bits and pieces that can be broken off for pleasure: "if I can't access your pants, your mouth or hand will do just fine. What matters is the pleasure I'm getting out of this." Leaving aside the risk of STDs, STIs, cancer, and pregnancy that can still occur from all of this, this leads to a fundamental misunderstanding of the gift of our sexuality and the sacredness of our bodies. Our sexuality isn't "just" for pleasure; it's a finite sign of an infinite God, meant to point us, prepare us! to and for an eternity of bliss in Heaven - a bliss that will consist in constantly giving all we are, and receiving all of the Other, without holding back, forever! That truth and reality is so much greater than the desperate graspings at intimacy that so often occur in a person's teens years; that is what we want to preserve them for, and the vast wasteland of sin is what we want to protect them from.

That is why the adults have to give their children the opportunity to be virtuous. Sidebar: I took a great dog training course one time that taught me that I cannot get angry at my dog when I give him opportunities to misbehave and he takes them; that is foolish. I don't get mad at my dog for eating a steak I put on the floor, for instance. Back to teens: in this small way, raising children is similar. If we are ask our teens to be abstinent and tell them what not to do, but then give them alone time in a dimly lit room in the middle of the night with no place to sit but the bed and nothing to do but "watch  movies," we are not giving them to opportunity to be virtuous. We are setting them up to fail. As much as children and teens rail against limitations, they need them and it is a parents duty to set them up. It is a parents duty to say, "I am helping you to be the best version of yourself."