Sunday, May 6, 2012

Why Do I Care?

Well, I am at the point I dreaded, already. I am 16 weeks pregnant, and I have (a few, little) stretch marks on my stomach. (I tried looking up a comparable picture, but the search results horrified me so deeply I gave up) This has caused me complete and total panic.

This is not an option, unfortunately.

Despite my struggles with weigh over the years, I have always been very happy with one thing: my midsection. My stomach has always stayed shape-defyingly flat, or flat enough to make me happy. It was a point of pride, really, and a way of realizing that everybody gets a few nice things physically but most don't get everything.  Obviously, that is changing now. Rapidly. And it's really hurting my pride me. On one hand, I'm so excited to have a belly! It means I'm way preggo! On the other, so terrified that I'm never going to look the way I enjoy looking, again.

Tom has asked repeatedly, "why do you care?" He points out that he loves the way I look and I don't even wear bikinis so no one will see my stomach anyway. And while I appreciate that, really, this isn't about those concerns. This is me being frightened that I will never like the way I look again. Is it petty? Women were created to want to be beautiful - we want to be the lovely wife, we want to be described like the bride in Song of Songs (well...maybe not our teeth like newly washed sheep...that's weird). And what if I don't ever feel that again - never again enjoy the feeling of my skin, never want my picture taken again, never again enjoy feeling my body be strong and fast? What if I lose myself? And maybe I could get back to feeling healthy after the first baby but...what about the second? or third? or seventh? I don't know what God has in store for us! Since PCOS makes weight control challenging, and I have to be super careful in order to be healthy, will a big family make it neigh on impossible?

Children are a blessing that women sacrifice for: we give our very bodies in complete service to them, and that's an incredible thing. I am willing to do it, because I believe I am called to do it - and God has put this desire on my heart. But I'm still frightened because I don't know yet what's on the other side - will I still be "me" after the sacrifice...or will I be able to enjoy being whoever the new mom-version of myself turns out to be?

No comments:

Post a Comment

Comments make me feel like I'm not just talking to myself or the government (because I know the government secretly reads my blog). Help me feel less crazy - comment away!