Grace for Mothering

Since I'm on a self-deprecating streak, I'll keep it going.

My immediate postpartum period was very difficult, as I've alluded to. Zuzu wanted to be picked up, she was constantly following me around the house begging, "hol' me! hol' me!" At first, it made me cry - she just wants to be held and I can't pick her up! Then I began to get frustrated - I just held you for an hour, sheesh. And two weeks ago, I just got mad. 

I was mad because all I could see was what I did for her, every day: made her meals, changed her diapers, spent time talking to her, cuddled her down for naps and bedtime, read to her while I nursed David. I knew we weren't getting as much one-on-one time as before, but hey, life wasn't so different. And she was being crazy whiny. I was hitting my breaking point - at one point, I even...yelled. 

At my low point, I was just angrily staring at her thinking, "what more could you POSSIBLY want from me??"

Deep breath.

 

We went on a short trip to Orlando last week to see my parents. On the drive I was mulling over my suddenly horrific relationship with my first-born, wondering where it all went wrong, and what exactly my angel-turned-demon child wanted from me. 

And then it hit me: she was telling me. She was telling me exactly what she needed and I was refusing to listen to her. She would say "hol' me" and I would say "not right now," since I was cleaning or cooking. She would say, "read to me!" and I would say "in a minute" because I was enjoying a few minutes of blog-reading while nursing David. She would ask "nurse me?" and I would say no, because it wasn't one of our standard nursing times before David came and I wanted her to be nursing less, not more. 

My list of priorities looked something like this: 

- David

- Tom

- household

-Zuzu

And she knew. Despite me doing so many things just as we had before, she knew I was doing them perfunctorily; I was rushing through activities to get to something else, doing them to pacify her. I was not relishing my time with her anymore - and she knew that. She was begging for more of me because I wasn't giving her any of me in the first place. 

I don't know how this happened or why, except that I'm human and concupiscence is real. In that moment, I realized I had to repent - and I did. I asked God to give me a heart for my daughter again; deep and overflowing love and compassion for her. I told Tom about all of this and we agreed we needed to be better - more self-donative, more giving, more aware of her meeting her emotional needs. 

toddler-aided selfies

We've been home for four days and she's been sick, so her neediness level has been way up. I can't say I've been perfect, but I'm definitely getting better. When I'm not better, I apologize - to my two-year-old, which is supremely humbling. Today, she kicked over a vase of flowers and scream/whined as I cleaned them up; I yelled at her. Immediately, I realized that although she wasn't right to do what she did, me having my own temper tantrum wasn't helping. I pulled her onto my lap, and said gently, I'm sorry I yelled at you. She nodded through her tears and whispered, I'm sorry I was naughty. I was startled; I hadn't asked for an apology. I forgive you, I said and she smiled up at me, I forgive you too. Then she fell asleep in my arms. 

And that's what grace looks like lately at my house.

Family love at DGO's baptism! 

Say It Again, Now

I think that's a look of terror on his face

Gentle - be gentle! Remember he's just little so - DON'T BITE THE BABY. Gentle remember geeentle. Aw, what a good big sister you are to give him kisses wait are you - DON'T BITE THE BABY.

CHOMP

[Repeat ad infinitum until tantrum or binge drinking, whichever comes first.]

{Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real}: Life Lately

Joining the lovely ladies at Like Mother Like Daughter to 'capture the context of contentment' in my everyday life! Be prepared for picture overload...there's just a lot of goodness to savor right now.

{pretty}

We're spending the week in Orlando with my parents and siblings - a long-overdue visit so my siblings can meet David, and Zuzu can spend some time with her cousins. 

You know the best part about Orlando with toddlers, don't you? Tons to do - including Disney water parks! 

Enough hair for hairstyles! Finally! 

I am struck over and over again by how beautiful my daughter is! How did we get such a darling (and precocious!) towhead? A good friend of mine said it best as she remarked, "as soon as you bring home that second baby, you're amazed at how big your firstborn is!" And that is the truth - when did my little girl get to be so...big? 

Enjoying morning snuggles in Mama & Daddy's bed - one of my favorite times of day

{happy}

Thanks to some generous friends who gave us a very nice gift card, we attended the children's matinee at the Naples Philharmonic - a performance of Peter and the Wolf, with live animals! It was our first big outing as a family of four and couldn't have gone better. Zuzu is a true daughter, and granddaughter, of musicians - some of her favorite books are about opera houses and her favorite car ride music includes 'Ride of the Valkyries.' 

Few things are better than getting to see your family love on your children - and few families love newborns like MY family! And since I'm the only one still supplying those, my children will never suffer from a lack of attention. David was passed around a good deal at our 'girls night' the other night - no one wanted to be left out of loving on our sweet boy. Isn't my mom so sweet holding him?

{funny}

I captured the exact moment that David had a blowout on Auntie Kim's lap! It was pretty impressive and very, very funny.

Girls night May 2015: I can't tell you what joke I made here, but it was reeeeally funny. We have a nearly identical picture from my wedding. Amidst all the hilarity someone said, 'wait, where's the baby??' We were having so much fun and he was so quiet, we forgot all about him - but he was sitting right there in his car seat on the sidewalk, looking like this - 

A bit bewildered by all these shrieking women, I think.

{real} 

After several days of non-stop fun, I caught this one of the Zuzu-girl last night. Waterlogged from so much fun, a bit fuzzy from a very late nap, she went to bed happily - and even went down for a nap today at her 'regular' time. Vacations, and family, are great for wearing out active toddlers! 

Slippin' Through My Fingers

A quick update from the frozen tundra of northwest Indiana...

Zuzu continues her love for all things musical (it comes to her naturally). She memorizes most all the songs we sing and knows all of the sung parts of Mass, with the Gloria being her favorite. Lately, however, her great love is Winnie the Pooh and the attendant theme song.

When she started to sing it, she would sing "A donkey named EEEE-yore was his friend!" Instead of going down on the "eee," she went up -WAY up! Shouting his name out of key. I loved it, it was precious, and we said to each other, we really ought to record that yes we should, as we went along with our days.

And then, just like that, she stopped and started singing it correctly. Even when I intentionally sing it in her old way, she sticks to the 'right' way. No amount of cajoling brings back that joyful abandoning of the written music. It breaks my heart a little - this smallest growing-up sign, this very tiny blip on her developmental phases. It's like this every second, learning something, learning it better, mastering it, moving on - and I'm just watching, trying to keep up with all the wonder and joy of her growing up.

This is the strained necessity of motherhood: the quiet witnessing and keeping in our hearts of all the beauty of our children, while also guiding the process of their leaving us. Sometimes I wonder that women are regarded as weak, when it takes such strength to raise these babies into big people who will walk humbly with God.