I knew she was growing, of course, could see the changes in her day by day and week by week. But somehow, it all felt so far off - all that big kid stuff. She still curls in my lap to nurse, I wear her around the house, she doesn't talk. But then last week she took three steps! Then again and again she did it. Now suddenly she wants to sit at her high chair and eat whole bowls of pasta while demolishing a sippy cup. Where did my baby go?
Teeeny tiiiiny!
Before we got pregnant, when I wondered if children were in God's plan for us, I mentally made myself comfortable with the idea of never being pregnant. I thought about the good works we could do with our extra time and money, I knew we would look into adoption, and I knew that if it was God's will, there would be peace and joy in my heart. But I always viewed it as two choices: a childless life OR a life bursting with children. I thought I'd either be barren or Grace Patton (i.e., many smaller children very close in age).
But it looks like I'm not. It looks like I'm one of those women for whom ecological breastfeeding works REALLY REALLY WELL. i.e., a baby can only come when my cycle returns, i.e., super sorry for the overshare Dad, i.e., maybe I'll ovulate when Zuzu weans, sometime before her freshmen year of high school (was that crossing a line? are you grossed out, Jen? Coll? Sorry!).
I have to make peace with a whole bunch of new ideas about my family. That Zuzu and her siblings might be spaced further apart, that I may have fewer children as a result of that spacing, or that I could have no more children (secondary infertility IS a thing). Isn't it so dumb? You think I'd get it by now - God is in charge of my family! Mr. Oram and I started our life together with the understanding that he always would be, that we would trust him with our family size. But I always thought that would be stoically accepting my childless state while aging gracefully, or blissfully embracing the craziness of six kids in seven years while being able to blame any lingering 10 pounds on constantly being postpartum. I didn't think it'd be smiling graciously through the three-inquiries-in-a-row of "isn't it time she get a sibling?"
I keep trying to type more, but what comes out is not good so I think I'll sign off without any great message or closure.
Just didn't think I'd hit my baby's first birthday without being pregnant.
Oh gosh can I relate! We always wanted a big family and got pregnant with #1 so fast then got pregnant with #2 when 1 was 4 months old. We figured every baby would be like that. *I* took that for granted. But here we are with our youngest just turning 2 and we aren't pregnant again. I'm still struggling with accepting God's will meaning babies happen in His time and not our own. If you figure that out let me know how to do it with grace would ya?
ReplyDeleteOh gosh if I figure out how to do that, I'll BOTTLE IT and ship it to you!! :)
DeletePregnant with #1 and the difficulties we experienced/are experiencing getting and staying pregnant, I completely understand this. I have to remind myself over and over that it does not matter what *I* want for our family but what God wants, and that I need to be satisfied with His will. So hard, though! I totally get it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so happy you guys are pregnant - your letters to Penny are so precious!! :)
DeleteLike Amelia says below, I feel like our culture just programs us to think that we'll be able to control our fertility - and that lack of control is really baffling!
We have had quite a few TMI moments the last few days... so, I don't think there are many boundaries for us anymore... ;)
ReplyDeleteI love you. I completely understand the struggle with having a desire so badly it hurts... and balancing that with being patient and trusting the Lord. We are in a similar boat in that regard. If I figure out a magical thing that helps, I'll let you know.
WHAT we have to trust in God at ALL STAGES OF LIFE!?! huh...so weird... :)
DeleteDefinitely praying for you too friend.
Awwwe, trusting in God is so hard! Praying for you!
ReplyDeleteThanks dear :)
DeleteI think the Catholic blogosphere makes everything look extreme...like you are either infertile or you get pregnant every 6 months. Plus, because of the widespread use of contraception and assisted reproductive technologies, people have this mistaken idea that fertility is something you can "control"...like it's either to be so feared that you have to kill it with contraception or that you deserve a baby "right now, so go ahead and use IVF. Not saying YOU think that or anything, but that is just the general idea that "society" has given us about fertility.
ReplyDeleteAlso, keep in mind that the people that get pregnant every 6 months aren't ecological breastfeeding, or even breastfeeding at all necessarily. And the natural infertility that results from ecological breastfeeding is a good and healthy thing, it's the way God designed it. There are real health concerns (for both mother and baby) with having closely spaced children, especially multiple closely spaced children (ie. increased risk of genetic disorders, weaker tooth enamel) because the mother's body needs time to build up her nutrient stores before the next pregnancy (and breastfeeding also depletes those stores) and nutrient deficiencies lead to increased health problems.
In "natural" communities that practice ecological breastfeeding (and no contraception or NFP or anything) typical child spacing is between 2.5-4 years.
Not to say there is anything wrong iwth closely spaced children and I completely understand the desire for another baby (I really want one too, especially as I get older and can see the end of my fertile years), but ecological breastfeeding works really well for me too, and I generally consider that a good thing, like things are working the way God designed it. Pregnancy does lower your milk supply and I still consider my 12-month old to *need* breastmilk even though she eats other foods, it's still a big part of her diet. Yes, I could give her cow's milk or cow's milk formula, but since she is a baby human, I prefer to give her human milk over cow's milk for a little bit longer.
All very true! Thanks for reminding me of those things...especially since I do nurse Zuzu still A LOT - she doesn't consistently eat solids at all.
DeleteI think I have an inbuilt panic because I feel like I started 'late.' I knooow so stupid, but that's how I FEEEEL. And if I do end up having many children and start writing posts about how overwhelmed I am, please just point me to this post....