When Modesty Hurts Ministry

As the modesty wars rage on, I watch mostly passively from the sidelines. I have an innate sense of what I feel is appropriate for Zuzu to wear and a decent sense for myself, and since those are the only two bodies under my purview, I let the rest go (unless asked by someone).

But I am in charge of the high school youth outreach at my parish, and that means I work with a lot of teenage girls in a variety of situations - Mass, weekend trips, service opportunities, and because we are on the coast, beach days. I have given talks before on chastity and modesty, but it never really seems to sink in for most of them. So for any parish event, I send out rules: shorts/skirts must touch your knees, no bare bellys, etc. and for water activities, one pieces only. This seems the responsible thing to do and lately, I have had to send out more reminders as our weather gets even hotter and the fashions become more microscopic.

But as we go into the third week of summer, I'm realizing something: my teen girls, usually so involved and dependable, are disappearing. My beach days are usually just my family and a few friends, with me fielding texts from normally sun-loving teen girls giving half-hearted excuses about why they can't come. As they disappear from water events, they're slowly not even coming to the other events I could count on them for - Bible studies, movie nights. I have been scratching my head wondering "Why aren't they coming to events they suggested we have??"

Just about a month ago I had a conversation with two sisters in my program that I'm very close to; they were telling me they didn't own one pieces, and I suggested they go buy them. "But they're all grandma suits!" they complained. I scoffed and pulled up Nordstroms website, eager to show them the vast array of cute, sporty, or retro one pieces that proliferate our modern market. As we scanned through a variety of cute options, I realized suddenly how expensive they all were. While some of these kids have parents who would buy them a $50+ swimsuit, most do not - most of them I'm helping find work, for pity's sakes. Why would I think they could go out and spend $30, $60, $100 on a swimsuit that will set them at odds with their peers, when they already have one they like?

I realized that the message I was sending when I made modest attire a requirement for average activities - not Mass, but daily events they could do with any group - is that I care more about what they're wearing than I do about spending time with them. Relational ministry, which is what we practice, is the idea that we must care about teens in all aspects of their lives: attend their sports games, remember their birthdays, encourage them academically, get to know their families. I am not sending the message that I care about them, when all my invites come with conditions and wardrobe requirements: I am putting up barriers to knowing me and being more involved with the parish ministry that is geared towards them.

Really, at the heart of this, I am putting the trappings of conversion ahead of the actual conversions of their hearts. What I want is for them to appear to care about modesty, more than I want them to internalize the idea that they are precious and beloved of God, someone of infinite value and worth. Yes, I think it's possible that some of them might experience greater freedom in dressing modestly and therefore, might begin to have a change of heart. But it seems that for most of them, if they can't be accepted for who they are right now - even the parts I might not approve of - they're willing to stay clear of me (and the parish) entirely.

Do I want my teens to be modest? Absolutely. I also want them to be honest, chaste, humble, kind, selfless and on and on. But Christ doesn't make any virtue a required prerequisite to be in His presence, so I shouldn't make modesty the prerequisite to be in mine.

More Thoughts on Modesty and Nursing

Huge thanks to Katherine over at Having Left the Altar for finding and pointing out this amazing comment on another post (Is Female Purity Bull****? by the ever-controversial Marc Barnes, censorship my own). I am reprinting it here in full; the author has not given herself a name, but identifies herself only as 'a mom.' I think her excellent thoughts give us a really great vision of what we want to strive for - how men should regard nursing women, and how women might regard themselves as they do so.

"Sexuality" is the quality of being either male or female.

Women have breasts that are able to nourish a child. Men don't. Breastfeeding is, therefore, an inherently "sexual" capability. In other words, it differentiates one sex from another.

The essential difference between the sexes points to our complementarity, and our complementarity points to the fact that we are called to sexual unity. This is the logic built into our sexual -- male and female -- bodies.

So yes, it's perfectly "natural" that that which differentiates us helps to attract one sex to the other. It's perfectly "natural" that there would be an element of awe, an element of attractive beauty attached to what is "other" or outside of our own experience of life. "I'm made for you. You're made for me. We see this in our bodies. We belong together."

But that logic of complementarity, in the mystery of its imago dei, does not simply feed one into the other, as if it were a matter of filling a mutual void. No, the logic of complementarity that we read in our bodies necessarily pours outward in new fruitfulness, increasing wonder upon wonder.

Thus, when men (or women) make the argument that mothers ought to cover up when breastfeeding "because their breasts are sexual," my heart aches for the vision they lack.

By reducing "sexual" to "that-which-arouses-me," they have reduced complementarity to an exchange of self-serving use, and have severed its fruitfulness. In saying the "erotic" value of the breasts trumps the nurturing, self-donative value, they have shown their ignorance of the meaning of "sexual" in the first place, and in doing so have shown their poverty. And those who insist upon this poverty, as if it is "just how God designed men," are missing out -- not just on the full beauty of the sexuality of women, but in the dignity of the sexuality of men.

That child breastfeeding is the crown of our sexual complementarity -- a gift that completes the sexual logic of our bodies and showcases it in all its glory. That child is a reminder to a man that a woman is his equal in dignity, not his object of pleasure or his toy. That child reminds man that together he and she have poured their lives out to one another for neither simply his sake nor hers, but for that of another.

A man who is truly attracted to the full sexuality of a woman should see in the act of breastfeeding the epitome of her sexuality -- and his response should be awe, gratitude, and respect. It should be the same awe and gratitude with which a father watches his wife gently tend to any of their child's other needs with the special grace bestowed upon her.

It should never be a jealous, "I wish I were in the child's place," nor an uneasy battle with an interior desire to "have" or "own" her, nor disapproval or disgust. The latter, sadly, are too often the reality for those who make the argument that women ought hide themselves away while breastfeeding. They are the mark of a man who wants to keep woman for himself.

Yes. Breastfeeding is sexual. It is something only she can do. And we should thank her for it, as it is a reminder that we all exist for the good of the other."

More Nudity Thoughts: What is Modest Breastfeeding?

Today I read this article by Amber Hines about being told to stop nursing in public. The comments are atrocious, as usual. But it just kept my thoughts going...

Most people's objections to nursing in public without a cover fall into these categories: 1) it is immodest and could provide a stumbling block to men (like a revival of the 2-piece debate), or 2) that's a bodily function private act, like going to the bathroom, or 3) if it makes someone uncomfortable, don't do it.

Arguments two and three are easily dismissed. Breastfeeding is eating, not eliminating, and the comparison of the two is unwarranted. The idea that we should refrain from something just because it makes someone uncomfortable is blatantly false - I wouldn't give a rats if me praying before meals made someone uncomfortable, etc. etc.

So it's back to the modesty question. Does breastfeeding, discreetly, but without a cover, violate the prohibition to Catholic people to be modest? Also, what part does culture play in this debate - to what degree is modesty a construct of culture, and how much should we try to change that culture, if indeed it needs changing?

NB: For those wondering why it would be such a big deal for women to wear a cover, I would like to say that some infants really don't tolerate covers. And if you're nursing older children, covers can become insanely attention-drawing as the child thrashes about or tries to play peek-a-boo with it. 

What is Modesty? 

As any good Catholic would, I looked first to the Catechism for an exploration of this subject! The Catechism has several things to say on modesty, but what I found most elucidating was: 

"2524    The forms taken by modesty vary from one culture to another. Everywhere, however, modesty exists as an intuition of the spiritual dignity proper to man. It is born with the awakening consciousness of being a subject. Teaching modesty to children and adolescents means awakening in them respect for the human person." 

and: 

"2522    Modesty protects the mystery of persons and their love. It encourages patience and moderation in loving relationships; it requires that the conditions for the definitive giving and commitment of man and woman to one another be fulfilled. Modesty is decency. It inspires one’s choice of clothing. It keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet. (2492)

I think this gives us some direction in the conversation. What is most interesting to me here are the two bolded portions (which was my addition).

CCC 2524 tells us by the first sentence that the Church acknowledges some changing norms with culture, but does not make it an absolute pass - good. 

Then we read that teaching modesty (and we must realize that our actions are always teaching someone something, especially for those of us with little ones about) is primarily about "awakening in them respect for the human person." Hmmm. 

When we are nursing, there are two humans involved, both due respect. The mother (that's us reading, I assume) and the baby (if you're capable of reading this, I'd love to meet you). I do wonder if nursing, discreetly, will teach young children and adolescents to respect mothers and babies. I think for young women, it certainly would - probably a big reason why young women fear motherhood and all that entails (including nursing) is because they do not see it. Nursing is a wonderful way to show the beauty of God's design for mothers and babies. 

But what about for boys? I know certainly that male adolescents might feel rather uncomfortable. But perhaps (and I'm just exploring this here) it might be good for them. The fact is that everywhere they go, adolescent boys are bombarded with distorted images of women - women who are airbrushed, wearing very impractical clothing, in unnatural positions, beckoning, always beckoning. Nearly every image of a woman they see implies sex...but rarely babies. So he is encouraged in his visual encounters to think of sex as the contraceptive culture wants him to - as a very fun recreational activity having no consequences, let alone no true joy beyond the fleeting pleasure it promises. 

Perhaps, to a degree, a nursing mother might show a different picture and awaken in him respect for women and children. 

The bold portion of CCC 2522 adds, perhaps, a chastening word to CCC 2524. "[Modesty] keeps silence or reserve where there is evident risk of unhealthy curiosity. It is discreet." (emphasis mine) Hmmm. I readily agree that a nursing mother may be risking unhealthy curiosity by nursing without a cover in front of an adolescent boy. I am called to mind the moment when I realized my nephew could no longer join me and all my nieces in the dressing room - he was realizing there was a difference between his body and ours,  and was curious about it. This curiosity was not bad, but it was not appropriate to draw it out more than necessary. There needed to be a veil there. 

It is not unhealthy for children to be curious about how babies are fed by their mothers. It is unhealthy for an adolescent boy to want to catch more than a glimpse of a young mother's breasts. 

What I think this gives us is a guideline. Wherever I may be inviting unhealthy curiosity, I should use a cover. But just what is unhealthy is mine to judge. For instance, I nursed without a cover at the beach the other week. I did so because it was quite warm and because my child's sunhat is so large, I did not feel I was being exposed. The crowd around us was mostly families or older people, and those who did notice what I was doing did not seem very interested in it at all. 

We should not behave as if breastfeeding is anything to be ashamed of; indeed, it is not. But for some people, notably boys-on-the-verge-of-becoming-men, they may not yet have fully internalized our teachings. It is a difficult time for young boys, to control their hormones and their eyes, to tame their curiosity and imaginations. It may be most charitable around them to be more discreet, to use a cover. I certainly do so around my young nephews - I'm still giving a witness of the beauty of the bond between mother and baby. They know what I'm doing under my cover. They also learn to avert their eyes, say when the baby is done feeding and I'm struggling to get everything covered back up under my nursing cover! They learn that they can have a conversation with me while I'm nursing and then maybe offer to take the baby once she's finished, so that I can cover back up. Honestly, I've had some very tender moments with these sweet boys, who love my daughter so much and try so hard to be loving to she and I whenever we visit (which is all too infrequently!).

These are my thoughts on nursing with modesty, anyway. It is certainly an individual determination based on the circumstances, your own comfort level, and your own sense of appropriateness. The best guide, then, is to honor the spirit of the law and ensure we always respect the dignity of all persons - not only ourselves and our children, but those around us as well.

200th Post: Nudity!

Just a quick post (do I know any other kind?) to say - it's my 200th post! If I were more organized, I'd do a giveaway!! ...probably of my laundry, but then no one would be interested. Still, if anyone would like one, I'd be happy to offer, just give me some ideas.

So I read this hysterical article on where not to breastfeed. I died laughing at the (non-graphic) pics...but then I thought: "huh. What do I think about nursing without a cover?"

I always nurse with a cover when I'm in public. I find it to be more discreet and I'm a fairly modest person by nature, in that I do not enjoy drawing attention to my naked body. So then I thought "is nursing without a cover, wrong in itself?" Is it wrong for a Catholic woman to nurse without a cover?

I'm not sure. I have seen women nurse without covers who are very discreet - just looks like they're holding their baby close to their body. Others I've seen more, but it hasn't bothered me. I really like breastfeeding, not just for myself, but for all mothers - it's the best way for babies (and mothers) to be nourished. So I want to support it, and I don't want to be the modesty police because nursing is hard as it is - figuring it out, doing it even though it can be inconvenient, etc. Plus a part of me thinks - well, I see more boob than that on a gal at the checkout line at the grocery store! Why should I tell this woman to cover up?

Now, full warning, if I'm at home, I do NOT use a cover and nothing can make me. (although this is a recent decision, I should note) I now make it clear to my guests - I will be nursing in this room, if you don't want to see it, don't come in - if you don't care, neither do I. So far, this hasn't made anyone uncomfortable; my female friends usually will come in and chat with me, and their husbands stay with mine in the other room. It doesn't bother me. Now, this doesn't just go for my living room or bedroom, but for the front porch, back porch, backyard, etc. I am discreet, but I will not wear a cover outside - it's just too hot here and besides, Zuzu needs more Vitamin D and I like multitasking. (only slightly kidding)

So that's what's rambling around in my head. Any thoughts? Would you nurse in public without a cover - even if it's just hypothetical, as in, you have no babies as of yet?