So I took a while off from my blog, because I realized that I was unhappy.
Not like, in a funk-I'm-pregnant-and-grumpy unhappy, but a deep discontentment with myself unhappy. I needed to take some time and look at that, even though what I wanted to do was put my fingers in my ears and say "la la la la, not happening!"
My mom came to visit during her Spring Break, the week before Easter, and finally had a sit down with me on the back porch. She gently took my hand and asked, "how are you really doing?" I couldn't for the life of me remember the last time someone had asked, and I broke down in tears. Out came pouring everything that usually runs through my head at night: that I feel horribly guilty for not enjoying being pregnant, that I hate the condition of my home because messiness to me is unallowable when I'm a stay-at-home wife, that I don't know how to enjoy my life when I feel so useless and exhausted, all the time.
This is not a condition of being a SAHW, but more a condition of being pregnant and overwhelmed by my own neediness during this time. I'm not used to needing to nap, not being able to eat, getting dizzy easily, or any of the other pleasantries of the first trimester. For some people, maybe they'd take these changes with ease; I take them like Nancy Kerrigan getting hit by that jerk with a collapsible police baton: "Why? Why? Why meeeeee!"
Both of parents came up for a long Easter weekend, Holy Thursday through Easter Sunday and it was perfection. They cleaned my house - not just slightly cleaned, but super clean! We didn't get to every room, but the main rooms were covered and our bedroom (which had begun to resemble a shanty town). I can't express the absolute peace in knowing that if a clean a small corner of my house, it matches the rest, instead of just making a tiny dent in the dust pile.
I am beyond grateful. Between my parents and Tom's parents a couple weeks earlier, my house resembles a grown person's home, and not a decrepit frat house. I don't have a plan for how to stay on top of it in their absence, but since I'm 12 weeks today, I'm hoping that soon this phase will pass and I'll be feeling energetic and nest-y.
I hope you all have been well - any tips on getting by while pregnant would be greatly appreciated!