#YesAllWomen and #Grabbed

Recently, two hashtags have become rather big and I have followed both with keen interest. The first, primarily in the UK, was #grabbed, started by Everyday Sexism author Laura Bates.  She uses it to document first-hand accounts of unwanted sexual touching by men on women (which is assault in the US, by the way). The second, #YesAllWomen, is primarily in the US and was started in response to the shootings in Santa Barbara, when it came out that the perpetrator may have lashed out due to anger about being rejected by women. This hashtag has morphed, and is now either women explaining why we still have feminism or gender rights, or else telling their first hand experiences with sexual harassment.

If you're not on Twitter, or up on these sorts of things, I'd like to explain why I think both of these hashtags matter - especially for those of us who are people of faith, and who are raising children.

A lot of people I follow, conservatives especially, associate the hashtags with liberal 'victimhood' and are deriding it as more feminist man-bashing. But I want to really expand the conversation: even if it was started by those with politics you'd disagree with, what it is bringing out is far more important. It is bringing out story after story of common every-day sexual harassment. Far from the almost-voyeuristic depiction of stranger-rape that is broadcast across America every night via shows like Law and Order: SVU, these stories are showing us that harassment and assault is more common, which is to my mind, more insidious.

Women report men grabbing up their skirts on city buses, being explicitly propositioned while walking down the street, and being unable to repel a man's advances except by leaving or pretending to have a boyfriend/husband. What should concern us isn't that this is painting men in a bad light, but that this is happening to people: that women are not being protected enough to go about their daily business and that there is apparently a wide swath of men who are not being taught how to treat women.

I realize that if you are a woman who does not experience this, it is very tempting to dismiss this as only happening in isolation to other women - or worse, not really happening at all! "Please," you think, "maybe this happens to women who go out to shady bars, who dress inappropriately, who are in a bad area. But not all women!" I get it; I don't experience this like I did when I was young: I'm fatter, wiser, and live in the suburbs! I don't take public transportation, I am rarely out late, I mostly dress conservatively, and most of the time, I am at home with my child or at work in my office (and I work in a very pro-woman environment, thankfully). But I want to assure you - this is happening. It's happening to women who are in an office workplace, walking down the street in jeans, sitting at a bus stop in a popular crowded shopping area. This is not someone else's problem; it's yours. Because any act of injustice should strengthen our resolve to do what we can to right it - as Catholics, as people, as women.

What should be stunning is the degree to which these experiences seem common across boundaries.  All over the developed and civilized world, women are being treated as sexual objects by men: no matter how we look or dress or behave. Read these hashtags, read the accounts of women, and realize that the large majority of women live or have lived with on-going sexual harassment by male strangers or coworkers or friends. The causes of this reality I cannot begin to speculate on - better people can do it with much more grace - but I think we should use this massive truth-telling spree to think about how we are forming our young men and women.

For those of you with young boys, I hope you educate them early and often that they must be respectful of another person's body. Please instill in them chivalry: that many women are indeed weaker, physically, than most men and that they should be aware that their strength can quickly become intimidating if used indiscriminately. Masculine strength is something we are badly in need of in this world - tell them that! But teach them that the strongest man is the one with the most self-control (I think Leila Miller said that);  that they are not truly free if they cannot control their own actions. Teach them that they must respect all people, regardless of dress or behavior, because that is what Christ calls us to do. Don't regularly talk about how women dress inappropriately, etc. - they will know that by how you dress yourself and how you tell them to dress. Call attention to positive examples rather than negative! Help them to train their eyes to look at girl's faces, to speak to them kindly, to never engage in talking down of any person behind closed doors. Gossiping among faithful young people is as dangerous and unfortunately, often common, as it is among their parents - help fight that, because it dehumanizes and disrespects a child of God.

For your girls, please teach them from a young age that their 'no' should be respected. Always - from the time they are young. This means on the playground, don't tell them the boy who overpowered them despite their protestations did it "because he likes you." That may be how young boys are trying to express affection, but it's never too early to teach appropriate behavior - not by suing or getting anybody kicked out of school! - just by gentle explaining and repeated reinforcement. As they get older, commiserate with their experience and knowledge, explain to them expressly what is wrong. A lot of men took advantage of me as a young girl because I didn't realize precisely what was wrong - borderline inappropriate behaviors became more aggressive because I hesitated in my confusion.

I also will say, that I do not think it is wrong to teach young girls modesty. Modesty - both physical and emotional - is a help not only to the young woman, who is protecting her body and her heart, but to those who are losing their battle with concupiscence. Now, we lock the doors on our houses not because we feel our houses are shameful, but because they are valuable - and not because we think everyone is a robber, but because we don't want to issue open invitations to rob, either. Dressing in a manner that is seasonally appropriate but still being conscious of how precious we are is always necessary for girls. WHAT ABOUT BOYS, some of you are shouting. Yes, of course, boys - but usually less of a struggle for boys since society doesn't market them clothing designed to make them sex objects, but rather to be cool dudes doing whatever they want to do (video games, skateboarding, etc.). It's just harder with girls because our consumerist machine makes clothing to perpetuate men seeing them as sex objects.

I realize that this conversation can make some people feel paranoid or upset generally. I don't think the point is to raise our children in an atmosphere of fear; to the contrary, they should feel brave and strong in doing what is right. But I do not think being naive on this subject helps. Please don't think that your lifestyle protects your children - or you - from other's sins. The point isn't to live in fear, but to be conscious about the fact that our society is quite warped in its thinking about sex and it's no surprise this is showing up in relationships between men and women all over. Being smart about these issues is not political; it's just necessary at this point.

PS I hope it goes without saying that I don't really identify as a feminist, since I see the 'feminist' movement as it is called, responsible for more or less the downfall of the family. I advocate for the dignity of persons, male or female, in any case where it is being violated - in other words, I'm Catholic.

Catholic Sex

WARNING: I talk about sex below, but not my sex life. Just sex in general. FYI. Dad, please stop reading anyway, thanks!

I was on CAF (Catholic Answers Forum) the other day and someone legitimately asked the question: what  lubricants are permitted by the Catholic Church. I almost fell off my chair. This same person said they knew certain positions were forbidden, but they didn't know which ones, causing me to spill my tea. By the time they got to the end of their post, I think I had destroyed my entire desk area out of slap-stick amazement. I kept yelling out loud, seriously? SERIOUSLY?? 


Now, granted, I come from a liberal atheist background. My mom was very open with me about sex, and because of my love of reading, I had read every book on sex I could get my hands on by the time I was 16 (despite the fact that I wasn't having sex). So when I became Catholic, I had a lot of questions about what Catholics thought about sex and I wanted 'em answered. I found those answers so compelling, I converted and then went right on to my masters work in moral theology (focus on human sexuality) at CUA. I guess I find the academic study of sex more interesting than the average girl.

Best Thomistic introduction to moral theology, including sexual ethics, I have read so far. It's academic, but still accessible. 

I wrote that poster a response, but then I got thinking about how many misconceptions good, Catholic people have about sex and all that it entails. I have had many married Catholic friends who have asked me sex questions that have blown my mind: questions about conception, contraception, NFP, enjoying sex, hygiene, and biology - questions I thought were common knowledge. I know I'm lucky: I got to study these questions in a formal, academic setting, so we covered most all of the bases and I had to buy a ton of books with concise answers and explorations of topics.

My second favorite moral theology primer. Servais Pinckaers' writing is fabulous and several passages of this book have provided wonderful meditation material. 

But...shouldn't there be some resource that helps faithful Catholics have a good sex life? There are a few good books, but not many in terms of practical frank discussions of what being sexual entails. There's a few okay websites, but many of them are Protestant, so they don't address the full breadth of Catholic issues. So I was thinking...what if I did that? What if I started a website geared at helping faithful married Catholics answer the questions they have about sex and sexuality, faithful to the Magisterium, mindful of the teachings of John Paul II, and incorporating modern science? I could recruit other people to write articles for the website so that there's a broader scope than just my own personal, limited experience, take questions submitted via email, and have male and female geared topics. I want to address wedding night sex, sex after kids, sex after menopause, the affect of infertility on a person's sex life, and even include people's personal testimonies about why they started being faithful to the teachings of the Church in a certain sex and/or marriage related area. I of course want to have a resources section with books that are helpful and links to websites with more in-depth articles on certain subjects like NFP, infertility, or common sexual problems.

Best popular book on sex I've read so far, but it doesn't (and can't) answer everything...

So that's what I'm thinking of doing in 2012: starting a Catholic sex website. What do you think? Good idea, bad idea? Do you have any topics suggestions, or would you be interested in being a guest writer? Even better, do you have an idea for a NAME for the website? My husband has been working on this, and so far my favorite is "Hot n' Holy" but I think that sounds more like a porn site than I really want...so any non-porn site suggestions would be appreciated!!

The Opportunity for Virtue

Now, everyone has great theories about kids until they get married, and as someone who does not have children, I am probably not allowed to have opinions. I understand this. Yet my reflections on my own youth, my work as a nanny, and my work with youth groups makes me think I have some good insight, mostly because I've watched amazing family units and how the parents act, and some pretty horrible ones. Jumping off from there, I had a  conversation today with a parent (whom I love) that went like this:

Me: I see your teen son has a girlfriend now. How do you feel about that?
Parent: She's a great girl. It's nerve-wracking because they're getting serious, but a while ago I talked to him. He said they're not having sex.
Me: Well heck that's a start! Good.
Parent: Yea, well, she's over a lot and they spend a lot of time in his room, so...
Me: Door closed?
Parent: It has to be cracked, but our other kids are always around, so I hope that's a deterrant. I mean, she hangs out at our house till 1am sometimes. I'd rather they be at our house than at a party, but I don't know what happens after I go to bed. I mean, if they want to do it, I can't stop them.

WARNING: from here on out I talk about sex a good bit. I'm not shy and I hope you aren't either.

Lets pause for a teachable moment. As the product of a liberal secular household, I heard this all the time. My parents philosophy was that since they couldn't stop us from having sex, they would give us the tools to have it "safely": condoms, the pill, and a bed that wasn't infested with bed bugs. Yet this parent isn't secular - their family is Catholic! So should the secular parent and the Catholic parent be overlapping on sex education? Definitely not.

The reason is of course because sex is not just a biological itch being scratched. Sex is the way that married persons consummate the Sacrament of marriage; it is a sign of the goodness of God, and a very real vehicle for understanding God. As John Paul II masterfully explained, there is a theology of the body: our very bodies and the way they are made and interact reveals to us something about God. Sex isn't coincidence and it's not just about reproduction or pleasure; it's about ourselves as beings created in the image of our Creator! This also means that "sex" doesn't just refer to intercourse; being sexual isn't just about putting Part A into Part B. Since one loves with the whole person, making love also includes the entire person, not just a person's nether regions.

Within the context, we still know that being abstinent before marriage is difficult. It's always been difficult, but maybe it's a bit more difficult now, when a lot of the stigma is gone and it feels like "everyone is doing it." Also, it's just harder as a teenager, because one is new to romantic feelings, sexual feelings, and the opposite sex. Because having sex is something adults do and children do not, there is an innate attraction to having sex as a way to become "free" or to "grow up" and this is especially attractive to teenagers, who are eager for their misunderstood independence. Yet, as parents or adult persons in positions of authority, we know that sex is actually a very intense experience of giving ones whole self to another person. This experience is so intense that God designed it to be contained within marriage, because only a permanent indestructible earthly union could withstand the emotions and depth of true sexual union. That means that any unmarried teen is by definition not ready for sex; their choice to engage is sex is usually attended by half-truths and confusion. They must be guided, gently but firmly, away from a path that could hurt them.

Yet a lot of teens think that if they're not actually "doing it," they're okay. But oral sex and other versions of "fooling around" also involve the human person in activity that is essentially degrading outside the context of marriage. Besides breaking down a person's resistance to premarital sex, it also teaches them that their body is just bits and pieces that can be broken off for pleasure: "if I can't access your pants, your mouth or hand will do just fine. What matters is the pleasure I'm getting out of this." Leaving aside the risk of STDs, STIs, cancer, and pregnancy that can still occur from all of this, this leads to a fundamental misunderstanding of the gift of our sexuality and the sacredness of our bodies. Our sexuality isn't "just" for pleasure; it's a finite sign of an infinite God, meant to point us, prepare us! to and for an eternity of bliss in Heaven - a bliss that will consist in constantly giving all we are, and receiving all of the Other, without holding back, forever! That truth and reality is so much greater than the desperate graspings at intimacy that so often occur in a person's teens years; that is what we want to preserve them for, and the vast wasteland of sin is what we want to protect them from.

That is why the adults have to give their children the opportunity to be virtuous. Sidebar: I took a great dog training course one time that taught me that I cannot get angry at my dog when I give him opportunities to misbehave and he takes them; that is foolish. I don't get mad at my dog for eating a steak I put on the floor, for instance. Back to teens: in this small way, raising children is similar. If we are ask our teens to be abstinent and tell them what not to do, but then give them alone time in a dimly lit room in the middle of the night with no place to sit but the bed and nothing to do but "watch  movies," we are not giving them to opportunity to be virtuous. We are setting them up to fail. As much as children and teens rail against limitations, they need them and it is a parents duty to set them up. It is a parents duty to say, "I am helping you to be the best version of yourself."