Still Fighting with Feminism

Somehow, what I considered inconceivable has happened:

I'm a working mom. 

I never wanted to be a working mom. I've always been certain that when I had babies, I'd stay at home with them. It's what I grew up with, and what my husband grew up with - and that's what we both feel comfortable with. It was my dream, honestly.

Yet this is the second time I've been asked to serve as youth director, but this time I've been asked to  stay on permanently. I said yes because I have a deep concern about the program and how its instability is affecting our youth. I found, accidentally, that I have a deep love and passion for teaching our faith to just about anyone - teenagers, adults, young children.

But where does this leave my family? I am strongly believe in the need for a mother in the home. I do think it makes a difference when a family doesn't have someone in charge of their full-time management. This has less to do with some sort of Victorian angel-in-the-home concept, and more to do with practical realities: most women want to stay home once they have children, they want to work on their terms (not the male dominated paradigm of 9-5), and a home functions better when there is someone in charge of it. No one walks into a grand hotel and thinks it looks good and runs efficiently on its own - we know that there is competent management in charge. Yet our homes are so much more than hotels, and spiritually, they are more than a place to put our stuff: they are a place where we need to be able to invest our hearts in our family members.

I believe in the Home. But I also believe in my work. How do I balance these two competing spheres, both of which would take all of my time and energy if I let them?

I'm still fighting with these two parts of my life. On one hand, I hate even the word feminism. I hate what it implies: that equality is only achieved by number parity, that to be as good as men we have to renounce what makes us women, that staying at home is somehow degrading, that our bodies hold us back and should be suppressed. On the other hand, I have personally experienced sexism more frequently than I ever could have imagined - in high school, at all three of my institutes of higher learning, and even in my parish. There is clearly a problem in our society that cannot be completely rectified by trying to force society back into mindsets from past years - because these problems existed then as much as now. And I do think part of the solution is women who are called to work to embrace their work: to bring their feminine charisms to the workplace, and refuse to be objectified or suppressed. (this is much of the message of John Paul the Great's letter to women, Mulieris Dignitatum)

As Catholics, the last thing we should be afraid of is a strong woman with a call to work. Mary, our Mother, is the Queen of the Saints and Angels - Queen of Heaven. The person to achieve the greatest heights of holiness, who wasn't God, is a woman. I am trying to keep that in my mind as I pray my way through this, but honestly, it's sometimes a challenge. I love Mama Mary, but I can't imagine her answering emails, rushing to yoga, negotiating hours. I sometimes struggle imagining her doing anything but happily sacrificing every waking hour to do housework.

Maybe what I'm doing is the most trail blazing thing I could do: refusing to let existing norms dictate what God is calling me to do. There wasn't anyone like St. Catherine of Siena before she existed so...guess I'm out to create another way to be a saint.

Welcome Back, SAHM

Now that I'm not working as the pastor's assistant, it's been a bit of an adjustment this week, getting used to not being in semi-panic mode at every moment. (did I do everything? how many phone messages do I have? I wonder how many people emailed me...did Father just call? I wonder if I ticked him off...if I wear a veil, will people judge me - will women think Father wants them to wear veils? oh no, I forgot to call someone back! etc etc etc)

It's been a transition for my mind, and although I really believe it's going to be good for me, right now, I'm struggling to find a new groove again. Since my husband and I choose to only have one car, it means that when he goes into work, I have to take him - unless I am okay being carless for the day. That's a good deal of planning ahead...how long does he need to go in, what do I need to get done, what time should I pick him up - all coordinated around my little darling's nap schedule. 

I have started to get better about many things (meal planning, gardening, and keeping a family calendar - courtesy of Martha Stewart via Staples), but I'm still working on others (keeping house tidy, sticking to my self-imposed grocery shopping budget, making a cleaning schedule). I had a great talk with Mr. O last night about the life I've chosen - how I could work and make work a bigger focus. Like all SAHM (Stay At Home Moms), I have at times felt the urge to justify my decision. 

But I suppose, as always, there is already a gallant English gentleman who has done it for me: 

"How can it be a large career to tell other people's children about the Rule of Three, and a small career to tell one's own children about the universe?

How can it be broad to be the same thing to everyone, and narrow to be everything to someone? No. A woman's function is laborious, but because it is gigantic, not because it is minute. I will pity Mrs. Jones for the hugeness of her task; I will never pity her for its smallness."

-G.K. Chesterton

In my way I am striving to be comfortable in my new role and to feel no need to defend it. There should not be any logical disconnect between the two facts that I have a brain and I am choosing to stay at home; otherwise, we might as well say it is useless to educate a woman - because, after all, her main job will only be tending the children. As if children are so unimportant and simple that anyone might look after them. 

It is a good occupation - one to keep me humble because the world does not esteem it, but still idealistic in my Anne-girl-way, because God certainly esteems it a great deal. It is hard, but sweet. I do think it shall suit me just fine.

Because You Asked...

Since all one of you asked, here are the much coveted pics of my front door and shutter re-do...

Front door

Shutters to the left of front door

The front door was this horrid maroon that appalled me beyond measure. I just decided I couldn't take it anymore...and faded/chipped/rusted faux-gold hardware? Eau neaux! 

Another (decidedly more crooked) view of the shutters

The new hardware (brushed nickel, much more my taste) 

Also, in case you too wrestle with vinyl in your life, be assured - you can paint it! It will definitely peel off if you scratch at it, but y'know what my solution is? DON'T SCRATCH AT IT. It even maintained the fake wood grain look, in case you were worried about losing that...

See? Can you see the beautiful fake wood grain?? Amazing! 

And in case you wanted to see another little project I'm working on, here's my wee succulent pot...and the two smallest one are transplants my neighbor Denise so lovingly let me pick! I think they're taking off and I'm VERY excited.

Succulents. Not to be confused with a succubus (really sorry for that link). 

And as of today, I should have a lot more time for these little projects because, well, today was my last real day at my job! My transition out has been gradual and mutual, and I can honestly say I'm leaving with no hard feelings. Mostly I had to stop working because Zuzu is getting to be quite the handful and Tom and I remain open to giving her siblings in God's timing. We're still really proud to be a part of SJE, and I'm glad to be able to get Zuz on a bit more of a regular schedule! 

Stay tuned for more home improvement fun...

When You're Worried and You Can't Sleep...

This has been week once lovely, because my fabulous parents were here, and stressful, because I feel I dropped the ball on some things at work. As a person who struggles with expecting less than perfection, this makes me: dread going in tomorrow, want to quit, and feel like a crap person in general.

To dispel this general feeling of malaise, I will do as Bing Crosby advises and "count my blessings instead of sheep."

-1-

I have a well stocked rag bin. Having painted multiple surfaces this weekend, I used almost all of them and so had the chance to get them all washed up. Tonight, with my sweet babe fast asleep, I folded them and this brought a feeling of deep contentment. It is so nice to know I have the tools to clean up messes. 

-2- 

For my husband, and our life together. Today he spent 5+ hours cleaning out the garage and then painting it, all because he knew it was important to me. He works so very hard, and I can't imagine that this is what he wanted to do with his day. He did it anyway. He always works hard so that I can be comfortable; he is incredibly good to me and to our daughter. Mr. Oram is definitively the greatest blessing to me.  

-3-

I have parents who continue to parent and love me, even though I am now grown and married. I didn't realize how much more I would need them now that I am on my own, but I'm so grateful they didn't just shoo me out and leave me be. They are always coming down here, fixing and cleaning, offering advice, cooking, walking the dog while I sleep in - in short, serving me and my family in love. This is such an incredible portrayal of Christ's love, and their willingness to spend their time off taking care of me makes me tear up, honestly. My father, the most hardworking man that I know second only to my own dear husband, runs his own business and yet here he is, hauling down his saws and sanders, working on my projects, making them just perfect - and then driving the 3 hours home and going straight to work. My mother takes time and comes down here, braving my bravado and insufferable know-it-all attitude, and yet still puts all her effort into turning my house into a home - although she spent so many years making a home for me already. 

I owe them a debt I can never repay, but I know God sees it and will remember them and their tireless love for their family. 

-4-

For my friends, especially Jen, who love my child as their own and give her all their love. I would be so much more stressed and sad if I did not have her to hold the baby while I go to the bathroom! 

-5- 

My dear little home. I am so proud to have this sweet house, small and old as it may be, to call my own. I never thought I would own a home before the age of thirty, and I am grateful that I do. I am pleased to be able to fill it with objects, profound and sentimental, and to be queen over my own small domain. It is so nice to have a place to call one's own. 

And thank you all for indulging me and for reading. Perhaps someday I will make a serious effort of writing, and if I do, then knowing there are still readers will certainly have helped. 

Working Woman Wonderings

So I did it....

My first full week as a "working" mom!

It was...HARD. But fun too, at times. And a bit tiring, but not as much as I thought it would be.

Maybe the most surprising was that I felt that I was at work ALL DAY (my day is 9:30-2:30), but if I had stayed at home that day, I would be saying "it's ONLY 2:30?! I miss Mr. O!"  It is disappointing to feel that I worked oh-so-much and then look at my hours and see I really am only part-time.

I am so proud of my parish for being not being afraid to hire me, a nursing mama, and letting me bring Zuzu with me. I feel supported and appreciated; not once this week did anyone treat me rudely, unprofessionally, or discourteously. My nursing was respected, Zuzu was coo'd at but not overly-so, and the pastor was still comfortable asking me to take on projects and do my job.

So it's clear that it's doable. But is it what I am called to, here and now? I am still figuring that out. My Boss and I agreed that we would keep the lines of communication open, and that if it didn't work for either of us, no hard feelings.

I wonder if it's hard for me, mentally, to be doing this because I never thought I would work outside the home. One of the things Tom and I agreed on most strongly before we wed was that once we had children, I would stay home with them. We wanted it that way - the home is a sacred space that should be tended by a diligent and faithful guardian. All my life, I have aspired to be that guardian.

So I keep wondering - why am I letting that go? Why am I leaving my hearth unattended for 5 hours a day, 4 days a week? Part of it is because I feel guilty for the school debt I brought to my marriage; I want that to go away as soon as possible. I also want to be of service to my parish, and the job of assistant to the pastor is really a ministry.

When stated this way, home seems like this glorious refuge, and work a dutiful slog. But I know that's not true - it's more complicated than that.

Would I work if we had all the money in the world? Of course not.

But do I think it's right that I can go to work with my baby, but would chose not to, and put my family under more financial strain? I don't know.

I am still figuring this all out. But I am lucky that I work someplace that wants me to be holy more than it wants me to work for them.